I never realized I wanted to put a fucking bullet through my head.

It never occurred to me that I wanted to drive a fucking stake through my heart.

But by the time I realized I wanted to, Brett Favre had already done it for me. Or maybe Ted "Faggot" Thompson and the rest of the Packers management did it for me. Read More »

Hey, it's Paul Frank. I don't think you know me, but I know you.

How is everything? You doing good? Ya alright, buddy?

Alright. I'm just going to come right out and say it.

...I heard your balls are a little under the weather.

What's wrong with your balls, Lance?

What happened? It's okay, we can talk about it. Your balls. We can talk about your balls. Read More »

See Title.

Hey, honey. Sorry we have to go through this. Nobody ever expects this to happen. It's just one big mess, the lawyers, the emotions, the kids. (You can keep the kids by the way.)

But let's face it. We'll remain friends after this. There's no bitter feelings or tension. And I love you always, just like I vowed in church during our wedding. Read More »

I know in the past I've yelled to everyone within hearing distance "I'm not scared of midgets, I will fight a midget, if you bring a midget to me right now I will punch it in the face."

But I've been doing a lot of quiet reflecting lately, mixed in with a little bit of research. Read More »

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! is a funny concept for a product. You couldn't do that with anything else. What would I Can't Believe It's Not Lettuce! be? I Can't Believe It's Not A Computer? And 'I Can't Believe It's Not Crack!' wouldn't go over too well with the diehard crack fan demographic. Read More »

Hey li'l Timmy! It's your new stepdaddy! Wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese's later? Me too, sport! Let's do it!

I heard you're a little worried about getting a new daddy. You liked your old one, I hear. He played catch with you. He gave you candy. Read More »

WARNING: The following words you are about to hear with your eyes contain offensive language and graphic details about me fucking the shit out of John McCain's wife.

That glassy, seductive stare. That experienced confidence. That...old body. Read More »

ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES:

This is CEO Bruce 'The Bruce' Livingston. There will be consequences for those forgetting to attach cover sheets to all reports, even those sent via e-mail. MAKE SURE you're attaching those cover sheets. Read More »

Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't be the life of the party. Be the party animal you've always wanted to be at the exclusive party six feet under: your coffin.

At Don Johnson's FUNerals And Coffin Supply, our coffins are three times the size of normal coffins and three times the fun, too. Read More »

Let me get this straight. Absolutely nothing, EVER could make me miss the birth of our daughter, or any child for that matter.

The ONLY exception is a gritty match-up versus those no-good, rotten Bengals. I hate them! I hate them so much! Read More »

How come Judge Judy never sentences anyone to death?

I went to the dentist yesterday, and I was talking to the receptionist. I mentioned how I make comedy videos with my friends. She said "oh God" and rolled her eyes. I laughed, kind of taken aback, and asked her what she meant. Read More »

So I pour blood onto babies. Big. Fucking. Deal. You're honestly telling me you've never drenched a baby with blood before? You, my friend, are a liar, then. Read More »

My heavenly Father, I must speak to you.

This is a time of need for me.

I'm sorry I come to you with only problems, but this time it's serious. This is a life-and-death issue here, God.

Please give me guidance in this matter:

What razor will give me a close, comfortable shave, for a price I can afford? Read More »

Have you heard about that new Disney movie, Wall-E? Soooooo fake. Clearly computer-generated.  Read More »