Recent Popular Content

No Matter How You Feel About Prop 8

Xavier Holland — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 11:05:43 -0400

I respect and encourage your beliefs. Read More »

Episode 3: Big Larry's Back Alley Procedure

The Man — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 18:46:01 -0500

The six and a half hour wait in the emergency room reception area has been hell. The discomfort is almost too much to bear. "When the hell am I going to been seen," I mutter to myself. "The pain is too much." Read More »

Episode 1: Photocopiers and Ass

The Man — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 23:53:30 -0400

Straddled and submitted, I opened my eager mouth to her but all I received was her hot lick of my left nipple. The lick was delivered with the form of commitment that would only be produced by a professional—a professional of love. The gentle gesture left me hard. Rock hard. Read More »

Grand Theft Auto IV Diary

Casey Freeman — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:23:30 -0500

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I went out on a date with somebody a friend recommended for me. His name is Niko. I heard great things about him. Sure he kind of looks like a hockey player and I don't think I've ever seen him without a five o'clock shadow. Heck, I don't think I've ever even seen him blink. But he has this sexy Russian accent and he always carries, like, $4,000 in his pockets. Read More »

What You Should Be For Halloween

Casey Freeman — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:45:00 -0400

Halloween is a pretty cool holiday. You get to dress up, drink booze and eat candy. Well, I guess it's basically like every holiday for me. Well, since I'm semi-unemployed now, it's like every day for me. But...that's besides the point.

You've got a week to figure out what to do for Halloween. Don't be that asshole who throws on a flannel shirt and ripped jeans who goes as Kurt Cobain. Read More »

My Organs and I Go to the Hospital

Casey Freeman — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 11:42:12 -0400

(Scene: KC wakes up in a dark room.)

KC: Wow Brain, you really outdid yourself with that last dream.

JUNK: No kidding. Nicely done good sir. Read More »

Halloween Headache

Casey Freeman — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 15:50:46 -0500

Weekly Drunk Comment

"Halloween is a great excuse for girls to dress slutty. And for straight men to put on make-up." -- kc Read More »

I'm Still a Heterosexual Guys!

Xavier Holland — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 18:06:00 -0500

By Jayceon Taylor

Hey, you guys. Lately I've been sensing just a wee bit of confusion about whether I'm a heterosexual or a homosexual. Well, I thought I'd take this moment and clear the air for anybody that's still wondering:

Jayceon is all about the ladies! Read More »

Give Me More Babies

Paul Frank — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 11:35:44 -0400

GIVE ME MOAR BABIES

by Angelina Jolie

GIVE ME MOARR BABIES NOWS! NEED MORE BABIES YES YES YES. please please more more now yes YES.

Give me give ME GIVE MEEEEEEEEEE!

Need WANT must HAVE NOW babies!

Oh my FUCKING god do IT give them to me.

NOT ENOUGH! NOT ENOUGH! Read More »

Guide to Writing an Effective and Concise Opening for a Short Story While Being Concise

Caleb McEwen — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 18:40:56 -0500

As a writer, I have discovered a number of techniques to ensure the opening of your short story engages your audience while propelling your narrative forward at light speed. Read More »

Famous Moments in Alcohol: Awesomely Alcoholic Americans

Alex Bash — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 23:49:01 -0400

To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand from where we have come. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past. We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we very well may be able to avoid having to pay the gaggle of coked-out Swedish midgets $3K to hide the body and lie to the media.

Again. Read More »

My New Favorite Thing

Sarah Romeo — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 14:00:41 -0500

Here is a mantra by which I like to live my life: There is a difference between disorganized and disgusting; piles and loose papers are messy but at least they're germ-free, old food and bodily fluids are fucking nasty, I don't care how nicely your bed is made, you better clean that shit up. (OK, it's not that refined of a mantra. Read More »

Famous Moments in Alcohol: Why #1 is the Best Even Though It's the Lowest Number

Alex Bash — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 02:00:58 -0500

"It's the Romans!"

"Run!"

The Roman Numerals were attacking.

"Save the kids!" Read More »

Episode 4: Fifteen Minutes of Shame

The Man — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 20:54:20 -0500

Beep! Beep! Beep! The brain piercing sound wakes me from my attempt at a wet dream. "Gosh darn alarm clock," I slur, drool pouring from my mouth. I roll out of my warm, comfy bed and onto the cold, hard floor. I like to wake up like a Navy SEAL, hard and fast. Don't ask why, it's just my way. Read More »

Holy Strategic Advertising, Batman!!

Sarah Romeo — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 11:09:58 -0400

It’s the Bold Statement of the Week, almost guarunteed not to give you rabies. This week’s bold statement: advertising your product with little animals voiced by A-list celebrities. Read More »

Picking Them Games like the President Don’t Matter

Nathan DeGraaf — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 16:12:06 -0400

I'm not voting this year. This is the first election year I have avoided voting. I have my reasons and I cannot be talked out of them. I don't want to delve into politics here because the American people, despite the fact that they have no idea what the hell is going on in the socio-political climate, nevertheless get all freaking worked up when you talk about politics.

It's the same wi Read More »

McCain to Woo African-American Voters by Wearing Blackface

Court Sullivan — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 03:21:27 -0400

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Sen. John McCain has announced he will dress in blackface for Halloween tonight in a bid to capture the late, undecided African-American vote. Read More »

Behind Bars that Don't Serve Beer

Nathan DeGraaf — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 19:10:44 -0400

Like many of America's most profitable industries, prison has gotten a lot less fun over the years. Despite what the movies may tell you, there is no smoking in prison. A lot of criminals I know try to avoid jail because of that fact alone. Three years away from the wife and kids? Excellent. No Marlboros? Fuck that. Read More »

Let Me Be Honest With You

Casey Freeman — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 16:51:06 -0500

Gang, we've had a lot of fun here a lot of times. I know I seem like this squeaky clean celebrity personality, which I am. For the most part.

But I have a confession to make. Now, please don't blow this out of proportion or anything. It's serious, but not that serious.

Okay, I know this will jeopardize my career in many different ways, but I can't live this lie any longer. Read More »

Episode 2: Rectal Treats

The Man — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 23:07:44 -0400

"Yes Grandma. Yes Grandma. Okay Grandma, I won't forget. Yes Grandma, I know you haven't had a bowel movement in five days. Okay Grandma... I have to go. I, I, I, have a turkey in the oven. Yeah! A turkey in the oven and if I don't take it out it will burn. No Grandma. Yes Grandma. I know you love turkey, Grandma. Yes Grandma, I love you too. I won't forget, Bye... Bye... Bye." Read More »

The ABC's of Male Feelings

Aaron Luckert — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 23:44:40 -0500

Often times when Desperate House Wives or Bravo is off the air, or some other shitty chick show isn't on TV and my girlfriend is bored, she decides that she "wants to talk about feelings." This is a problem. As a man I have very few feelings to talk about so these conversations are very limited. Read More »

Starbucks' Big Invention

Andrei Trostel — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:03:27 -0500

Recently I noticed that Starbucks discontinued their almond syrup but kept a surreal flavor called "Classic" readily available. I complained about them ceasing to serve breakfast sandwiches but keeping their store well stocked with copies of Cranium and baskets of stuffed bears. Read More »

Halloween Disaster

John Gillespie — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 13:47:56 -0500

I'm still not sure how it happened, but a fight broke out in front of my friends house on Halloween. Well I mean I know how the first fight started. The first fight started when a kid who got kicked out of the party came back and hit one of my friends who lived there. He promptly got his ass beat and was escorted outside, where he talked more shit and was knocked out again. Read More »

Ulysses S. Grant Challenges Jefferson Davis to a Duel

John Gillespie — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 19:18:35 -0500

Schuyler Colfax: Mr. President. Mr. President? You're passed out. Ulysses S. Grant!

Ulysses S. Grant: Bah... Schule, get ready to siege Vicksburg. The South is done.

Schuyler Colfax: The war is over. You're the president now, remember? Where did you get that whiskey? And what about the 8 weeks in rehab? Did you learn nothing? Read More »

Black Dudes I'd Rather Have as President

Casey Freeman — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:01:36 -0500

Hey kids, did you hear we have a black president? You know, he's black, in case you haven't noticed. Seriously, an actual African-American is moving into the White House, and he's not a butler! Read More »

Non Partisan Questions

Casey Freeman — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 17:52:34 -0500

Thank Science the election is over! Read More »

Famous Moments in Alcohol: How the Question Mark was Formed

Alex Bash — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 00:52:50 -0500

How did so many tyrannical governments stay in power for so long back in the day? Torture and oppression, normally. But also because there was no such thing as the question mark. Sure, there were exclamation points and commas, but things like question marks, semicolons and condoms had not yet come along. For these reasons, the Middle Ages have often been defined as uninquisitive, improp Read More »

Photo of the Week—Halloween Edition

Sarah Romeo — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 17:12:27 -0500

It's another Photo of the Week, the feature where I try to compensate for shitty photos that didn't make Facebook by explaining them. Have I lost you already?

So Halloween is over, and now I'm reflecting on the costume decisions of myself and others. In this meditation, I've come to three conclusions that are crucial in choosing your costume next year. Read More »

Just Curious

Casey Freeman — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 03:47:31 -0400

It's question of the week time. Answer as comments. And then I'll comment on your comments. It will be a gang bang of comments.

1. Do you use the word "bang" more in daily conversation because of "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia?" Read More »

A Journalistic Piece About Oral Sex in a Men's Bathroom

John Gillespie — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 02:06:21 -0400

So while taking a dump in the library bathroom at the University of Cincinnati, I took the time to read everything written on the wall. Most of it is just people calling each other fags in a conversation that goes "You're a fag, no, you a fag, fag," and so on for half a stall door. The only message that really peaked my interest was one that said : Read More »

Mom, Dad, I'm Going into Porn

Paul Frank — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 21:47:32 -0400

(Written under the character of an aspiring female porn star)

Hello Mother, Hello Father! Read More »

5 Reasons Not to Vote for President

Court Sullivan — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 13:27:40 -0500

Still wondering whether it's worth making the trek down to the polling precinct that you may or may not even know how to get to? The answer is no, five times over.

1. The line is really long. Read More »

How to Deal with Cockblocks

Aaron Luckert — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 22:18:10 -0400

There are several natural enemies to the Cocksman that every guy should know about. In your never-ending quest to get laid, these enemies will present themselves time and time again. They are known as Cockblocks. Heed the following advice well and forget not the danger that looms.

1. The Mother Hen Read More »

Weakly Asked Weekly Questions

Casey Freeman — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:28:17 -0500

Hidey Ho Gang! I am wickedly hungover right now. It's Wednesday, and that means...Questions of the Week!!! Yay. Answer the hell out of these things.

Bones came up with this hard-fucking-core rhyme:

"i've got a million bitches hangin on my cock,
but they don't love me they just crave the rock."

A friend back in North Dakota wrote: Read More »

People I Would Not Fight, Part 1

John Gillespie — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 21:53:41 -0500

It doesn't matter how well you can brawl, sometimes you can just look at a person and tell, yeah, that person would kick the shit out of me. I think about stuff like this all the time. It's not that I am sizing up people, it's just sober me has to plan out who drunk me can and cannot fight. Read More »

[pruh-nuhn-see-ey-shuhn] n.

Sarah Romeo — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:25:58 -0400

Let me just preface this by saying that even though I’m about to ask you a series of questions to which I’d appreciate responses peppered with humor, this is NOT the same thing as Casey’s weekly questions. Capiche? Read More »

We Need to Go to Darfur

Paul Frank — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 18:04:28 -0500

Darfur: everything you've heard about this war-torn country, if anything, is true...and worse.

A step past genocide, Darfur is in the midst of a gruesome civil war, a struggle for oil between the educated rich north Sudan and the poor black south. Everyday, millions of innocent people are slaughtered in a bloodthirsty ethnic cleansing, a modern-day Holocaust. Read More »

The Waiting Room

Paul Frank — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:50:13 -0500

A waiting room. There are outdated posters on the wall. A man is reading a newspaper, another is staring out the window, a woman is trying to quiet down her kid. Read More »

Sorry Boss, It was the 'Roids

Eric Ott — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 22:05:39 -0500

Dear Boss,

I have a confession to make. I probably should have told you a long time ago before things got out of hand. I guess I should start at the beginning, back when I started working here. I was a recent college grad looking to find a way to stand out among my homogenous peers and I have to admit that I did not play fair. I took steroids. Read More »

Did You Just Look At My Dick?

Paul Frank — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 01:30:41 -0500

Bro, did I just catch your eyes wandering down my naked body past my golden rippling chest and sneak a peek at my man vagina AKA my penis?

Bro, that shit ain't cool. That shit is real weak. Just because I'm standing up here in my birthday suit for all to see doesn't mean you're off the hook with the whole heterosexuality thing, and can just go all queer. Read More »

The Game

Xavier Holland — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:14:26 -0400

Recently, my baby-faced Asian pal, KC "Krazy Casey" Freeman wrote his always entertaining series of questions. It's titled Just Curious. You should totally read it and answer his questions. Read More »

Picking them Games in a Fog

Nathan DeGraaf — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 20:26:48 -0500

There's no reason to write when you've been drinking as much as I have today. But I have a picks obligation. So I'm honoring it. This post will suck. You have my very drunken word.

Home teams in CAPS

FALCONS (-1) OVER Saints Read More »

Sort of Best Questions Ever

Casey Freeman — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:13:38 -0500

What's up gang? That's not one of the Weekly Questions, but you can answer it if you want.

1. Nixon had a bowling alley. Teddy Roosevelt probably had a badass tire swing installed. If you elected me, I'd definitely put a waterslide from the top of the Washington Monument to the backyard of the White House. What would your first renovation to the White House be? Read More »

Campaign Theme Countdown

David Nelson — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:43:03 -0400

I might never have a golden statue erected in my honor, and I highly doubt my autobiography (You Can't Pay Retail for a Pocket Full of Dreams) will become a best-seller. But of all the narcissistic fantasies I have (and trust me, there are many) perhaps the most feasible is the desire to someday have theme music. Yeah. I want theme music. Read More »

I Will Demonstrate My Excitement at This Concert by Throwing Shit!

Jake Klocksien — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:20:33 -0400

Golly, am I eager for this! I have been waiting to see this band live for months! Months! And to think that I almost couldn't believe that this faithful night would finally come. But alas it is actually here. My closest friends and I are soon to watch the inspiring experience that is live music! It is expected to be a moving, entertaining, and all around pleasurable time for all. Read More »

Famous Moments in Alcohol: Why Dice Have Six Sides

Alex Bash — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 22:30:59 -0500

I'm assuming no one is too surprised to learn that God hates prohibitionists?

Good.

I'm also assuming that the rage you've always felt towards them now feels justified? Even warranted? Encouraged?

Excellent. Read More »

Shaving My Junk

John Gillespie — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 12:24:40 -0500

I have made the decision not to shave my junk anymore unless in a relationship. The main reason behind this is I think it's hilarious when I pull my pants down during a one night stand and my fur burger leaps out at them like a caged tiger at the zoo. The girls facial expression is usually priceless. Also, none of these girls have ever just gotten up and walked out. Read More »

Hoping for More of the Same

Nathan DeGraaf — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 15:32:19 -0500

Some mulatto dude was recently put in charge of speaking for the American people. They do this kind of thing every four years or so. I don't know the details exactly because I stopped watching the news after Local Channel 9's weather girl Sandra Bigenbosom was fired for reasons unrelated to her chest and then the USA Network picked up NCIS and started replaying all the really good Read More »

Halloween Help

Xavier Holland — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 15:31:55 -0400

So apparently Halloween is less than a week away. And, in true X fashion, I have yet to find a costume idea.

Any help is appreciated. Comments/emails would be awesome.

If I choose your idea, you get a free signed copy of my book! Right now it's just a collection of used Wendy's napkins with bizarre smiley faces written on them, but signed. Read More »

Want To See Me Mostly Naked?

Casey Freeman — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:24:05 -0500

Prepare for the most amazing sporting event of your life, my dear Freemanites. The NYU Swim Team Boys will be reuniting for the First Annual NYU Alumni Meet Saturday November 22nd at 1 p.m. EST. The old guys will swim against the young guys. I will be one of the old guys, albeit an extremely good looking and sophisticated old guy. Read More »