Sexual Quotes

Ali: What is that? I can't tell if that's your penis or one of your balls.
Kevin: Keep rubbing it and you'll find out.
-Playing with moose knuckles

Kelly: I don't even know what taking it slow means. I usually just skip first, second, and third, and just go for the home run.
Chris: Wow...
Kelly: I'm quite the comedian when I'm drunk.
Chris: No, actually it's so pathetic it's hilarious.
-On America's favorite pasttime

Kelsey: Do you have any protection?
Chris: I have aids...
-Trying to explain that, yes, he has condoms

"We can all suck a few dicks now and then and not be gay. Hell, I love cock!"
-Aamir, postponing the inevitable

Nick: Man, I hooked up with a fugly chick last night.
Ray: Wait...fugly?
Nick: You know...fucking ugly. But come to think of it she was more coyote ugly.
Ray: Wait...coyote ugly?
Nick: You know like, you wake up the next morning and you wanna chew your own arm off to get away.
Ray: You need to raise the bar a little, bud.
-Ray, clearly unfamiliar with low standards

"I'm going to fuck her into a compound spinal fracture. It's not as uncomfortable as it sounds."
-Jarred, on seeing his long-distance girlfriend for the first time in a while

"Someone pour beer down my throat with a spout! Dude, I was watching the nastiest porn on the internet this morning!!"
-Pat, on cleaning the pipes

"The dull ache of her vagina makes her think of me. That has to be one of the sweetest things a girl has ever said to me."
-Dylan, on that hurt so good

Ryan: Would you ever let a woman use nipple clamps on you?
Alan: Maybe. If she is really into it I might.
Ryan: Wow. I bet you would let a girl hit you in the balls with a hammer.
Alan: If by hammer you mean tongue, then yes.
Ryan: You know, a tongue on the balls is worth two on the bush.
-On simple calculations

Christine: So is Charlie ready to have some fun tonight?
Charlie: He has been waiting all day to see you.
Christine: Are we really going to talk like this all night?
Charlie: Yup and when he gets excited he likes to pop up... if you make him happy enough he'll even spit in your face!!
-Girlfriend and boyfriend, on scheduled oral

Kennifer: I need to get some serious ass tonight.
Sarah: Wait, do you want to have sex or just get fingered?
-A conversation gone too far

Rachel: I'm so drunk that I'd have sex with a girl!
Chad: YES!!!
Rachel: ...or a dog...
Chad: What?!
Rachel: Fine then, a lesbian dog.
-Rachel, talking to her boyfriend while completely hammered

"Ahh nothing like a pair of new socks. Just like making sweet love."
-Erik, on familiar feelings

"Do you think she'd fuck me if I wore a helmet?"
-Chris, on using protection to increase his chances

Tuss: Have you ever sucked an Asian guy's dick before?
Kate: Uhh, I gave a Hawaiian guy a blowjob once. Does that count?
-On islands not quite west enough