Women need to be categorized.  They are screaming out to be categorized.  They're practically begging for some dashing, daring, charming, sexy, hunk of man to come along and tell them what he thinks of them and how they should think of themselves.  Fortunately for you guys, I am such a man.  Read More »

Julie:  She doesn't seem very smart. 
Nathan:  She isn't.
Julie:  She's rude, too. 
Nathan:  And presumptuous, and untrustworthy and drug addicted. 
Julie:  So why even bother?
Nathan:  You want me to answer that or you want us to remain friends? Read More »

Nathan: I can't believe how expensive fireworks are getting.  I remember when I could blow up all my sister's toys for like fifty bucks. 
Jake: Yeah, well you know the economy and--wait, what? Read More »

         --George Carlin

George Carlin taught me many things.  Every one of them is very important.  Here are some of the things he taught me and some of the reasons I will miss him. Read More »

Nathan: Are you gonna teach your boy how to play hockey?
Chip: Oh yeah. My son’s gonna play hockey and he’ll play the drums. I mean, what’s the use of having a boy if you can’t push all your failed dreams on him?
Read More »

Nathan: I have to write an article on cunnilingus.
Beth: Of course you do.
Nathan: The people have spoken.
Beth: When are you gonna grow up? Read More »

Jay: So wait. You reject your own column ideas?

Nathan: Pretty much. It's like, you come up with an idea, you think it sucks and you don't do it.

Jay: But you still remember the ideas.

Nathan: So?

Jay: So why keep them around if they suck? Read More »

Dave:  This economy is horrid.

Nathan:  So's your face.

Dave:  You drink too much.

Nathan:  So's your face. 

Dave: Are you even listening to me?

Nathan:  So's your face.  Read More »

Nathan: Dan, you live in Land O' Lakes, right?
Dan: Eight years.
Nathan: Ever been to the Flapjack Festival?
Dan: Nope.
Nathan: Ever heard of the Flapjack Festival?
Dan: Nope.
Nathan: Want to hear about the Flapjack Festival? Read More »

Sean:  How's life treating you?

Nathan:  Like I burned its entire album collection. 

Sean:  Wow.  That's probably a big collection. Read More »

"Anytime I hear the word ‘blogosphere,’ I immediately change the channel/close the window/stop the video, etc."
-William Courtney Sullivan Read More »

Nathan: I think I’m gonna write a eulogy.
Jake: Who died?
Nathan: Lots of people.
Jake: Uhh, okay. Have fun with that. Read More »

Jake: Dude, that girl is crazy.
Nathan: Like, "slash your tires after the breakup" crazy or "pray after sex" crazy?
Jake: The first one.
Nathan: That ain't so bad. Read More »

Tito: So, the bitch gets drunk before she has to go to talk to the state attorney.
Me: Why?
Tito: She said it would help my case.
Me: Why would she think that?
Tito: Man, if you ask that every time I tell you some dumb shit that she does, these conversations are gonna be unnecessarily long.
Me: Dug.
Tito: Huh? Read More »

It's funny listening to American representatives condemn Russia for invading an oil-rich country without first consulting the UN.  It's like that one time growing up when my dad caught me drinking whiskey while he was drunk.  The ensuing lecture didn't really take. 

I don't know about you, but I was just shocked to learn that China's government could be less than honest about its representat Read More »

What’s that? You and your new boyfriend are breaking up? Has it been two months already? Wow. How the time flies. So, you know who you’re voting for?

For what? For President of the United States. For the kit and the caboodle. For the right to drive the expensive sports car that is the United States of America. Certainly you knew that? Read More »

Me: It’s cool that you’re taking me to hang out with your dad.
Peek: Yeah man, thanks for coming. He really wants to see you again.
Me: Wait. He really wants to see me?
Peek: I know, it’s strange. Usually it’s only pissed off ex-boyfriends and stupid MILFs that want to see you. But I guess you can add an old man with ALS to the list. Read More »

I was tripping on acid
At a Russian restaurant
In an upscale strip mall
Waiting on a friend
For a ride home
When I heard the news.

I walked outside
To look at the cloudless evening sky
And spotted a dark-haired girl
In a sundress
Dripping tears on the concrete ground.

I said nothing.

She looked up at me
And said, “He’s gone.”
And then she sang, Read More »

"They're not doing this with smoke and mirrors.  This is a talented ball club."

            --Mike Lowell (Boston Red Sox) on the Rays Read More »

Today here in Tampa, many people are mourning the death of four cute white kids who died in a car accident while racing.  When asked for a comment, someone close to the children said, "I hear McCarthy won't let Favre play.  What an outrage."

On the national scene, presidential candidate Barack Obama was recently accused of changing his stance on oil drilling in America and offshore. Read More »

"There's no method to his madness," Bud said, spitting tobacco onto the dusty ground.  "He's just crazy.  Dumb and crazy."

I remember at the time thinking that Bud was the crazy one.  He lived in a chicken-shed sized house in a neighborhood that amounted to rows and rows of chicken-shed sized houses, most of which held chickens and their eggs.  And their shit. Read More »

I have a wireless keyboard.  Sometimes I pretend it's a guitar and jam on it.  The resulting text looks like

232elw[p1q;\[ew]]
\3e[‘j1e4nw5o."!
\3e[‘j1e4nw5o."!

Which has to be the literary equivalent of rock n roll.  Or at least punk.

Come on.  You have to give me punk.  Read More »

Friends of mine, including PIC's own David Nelson and Court Sullivan, have pointed out that they are surprised how many scumbags I hang out with considering my erudite nature.  After looking up the word erudite, misusing it by implying that one can have an erudite nature and snacking on a few Runts (Wonka added mango and pineapple), I got to thinking about my past, present and future and I realiz Read More »

When I was a kid growing up, I rarely ever got a nickname that stuck. My father used to call me Mouth, but that was hardly endearing and certainly not popular outside of my childhood household. In high school, this kid named Tim, who flunked out of college and ended up bald and working for public works in St. Read More »

How many times a month do you wake up with a recently arrested friend on your couch? 

I'll bet less than I do.

How's a man supposed to grow? 

Dear readers of The (formerly) Nate Way: Read More »

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