Before we kick off the game picking this week, please note that I owe everyone an apology, even my partners in game-picking. I had only missed one previous week of game-picking in my time here at PIC and that was because I was at a beach house with no internet access. Last week I missed the picks (even though I had written them) because of… well, let's just say that a woman was involved. And liquor. And there were a few little league baseball parks mixed in (my adult life has turned into some bizarre combination of an inspirational after-school special movie that features that one teacher that everyone loves who has the secret drinking problem and a really bad hardcore porn that features that one MILF that no one trusts but everyone sleeps with anyway… and I've said enough).
Anyway, my point is that I screwed up by not providing the picks and the Football Gods got their revenge by making the Bucs and USF Bulls lose. So I'm only gonna apologize one more time and then we'll move on to more important things.
I'm sorry. My bad and all that.
Now, before we get to the football picks, I have one observation that I want to share about these current times of economic hardship: they make women hornier.
Seriously, as the dollar falls, the number of flirtatious chicks batting eyelashes and grabbing the arms of strange men has inversely increased. Furthermore, the aggression that women have been displaying lately is borderline frightening. I actually had to stick my hand in the face of some 38 year old bar fly to keep her from interrupting Scotty the Handicapper and me as we discussed our upcoming project (note to everyone who misses my old style of writing: you will love this new project). Women, from the moms at the ballparks to the teenagers who sneak into the liquor clubs to every female in between are responding to the economic crisis and the resulting mass hysteria in three major ways:
One: The female need to nurture has kicked into high gear because no one is sure of their futures, which makes every man behave much like a child who didn't study for a test. The need to coddle has been kicked up a notch (bam!).
Two: The female neurosis has kicked up a notch (bam!) because women themselves are unsure of their own futures, leading to the kind of passion that can only exist when heightened by fear and emotional instability. In other words, women are unsure of everything right now, including their current lovers, and as such they are seeking out other men.
Three: The female need for nesting has jumped up several notches (Bam! Bam! Bam!) because they don't know who, if anyone, will be able to provide them with a good life because, as you may have noticed, everyone is broke right now.
At first, I thought my field analysis on this was pretty inconclusive, but then I got to thinking about the sluttiest times in our nation's history and I came up with the following:
In the late sixties and early seventies, after Johnson removed us from the gold standard, America hit an economic crisis in a time of war and the mini-skirt, birth control pill and free love were all popularized.
In the late seventies and early eighties, during our gas crisis and raging inflation worries brought on by a lack of fiscal conservatism, America was introduced to the coke whore and other variances of "party girls."
After the tech bubble burst in the late nineties, the MDMA craze went off the charts and girls started walking around in skirts without underwear while sucking on baby pacifiers and making out with each other.
So, what does all this mean?
It means that feeling something, even the pain and misery that comes with being duped by government controlled industry, is better than feeling nothing at all. And I'm not talking about condoms.
On to the picks, HOME TEAMS in CAPS.
FALCONS (+2.5) over Bears
Two weeks ago, I did pretty well picking my games based on food from the respective NFL towns. And this week, in keeping with my introductory theme, I am picking them games based on my opinion of the women in the particular towns involved and well, Chicago's women are big-hipped cheese-sucking chubbies compared to the southern belles and sexy sisters that occupy the New York of the South.
SAINTS (-7.5) over Raiders
Not even close.
Scotty went with Oakland.
BUCS (-1.5) over Panthers
Closer than above, but no real competition.
WASHINGTON (-13.5) over St. Louis
Washington's women lose a great deal of points for being narcissistic power-lovers, but they're still hotter than the St. Louis chickas. And we all know, when it comes to arbitrarily and randomly deciding whose towns have the hottest chicks, personality is about as important as a plot in a porno.
JETS (-6) over Bengals
Well, now this one is kind of tough. It's like deciding which of the two devastating car accidents that crippled your friends for life was worse. On the one hand, Tommy can't use his arms; on the other hand, at least Tommy has both arms.
Anyway, I went with Jersey because I've found their women to be considerably underrated, even if that doesn't make them generally hot. And if you count the New York chicks, well this is no contest. I mean, a lot of those girls happen to be smart, great in bed, artistic and intelligent.
Scotty, by the by, called this pick "free money."
VIKINGS (-13) over Lions
The only reason I picked Minnesota here is because their fat chicks tend to be more youthful and blond. Other than that… well, at least Detroit is close to Canada.
Scotty chose Detroit.
Dolphins (+3) over TEXANS
The girls in Miami look like they were built by a horny comic book creator.
Nikki took Houston.
Ravens (+4) over COLTS
Maryland chicks beat Midwestern chicks every day of the week and twice on Sunday. But once will be good enough this Sunday.
Nikki took Indy.
BRONCOS (-3.5) over Jaguars
The city of Denver is proof that really rich people often have smoking hot daughters. Oh, and I've never hooked up with a chick from the Jax. So maybe I'm a little biased on this one.
Scotty picked the Jags, but even he questioned the pick.
Cowboys (-5.5) over CARDINALS
One tough pick. I mean, Arizona has some hot ass chicks. And they're usually pretty funny too. The girls from the big D tend to be more stuck up, prissy and stupid, but they also tend to take better care of themselves and screw in truck beds, so I'm going with the D on this one.
49ERS (+5) over Eagles
I've never banged a chick from San Fran, but I have been there. And I was impressed by the general hotness of that town's women. And the two chicks I had from Philly were gutter sluts in need of dental work. So I'm leaning to the Bay area on this one.
Scotty and Nikki went the other way.
SEAHAWKS (-2) over Packers
The average weight of a Green Bay female is seventeen pounds over the national average. You can look it up.
Scotty and Nikki chose the Packers.
CHARGERS (-5.5) over Patriots
When it comes to women, the difference between San Diego and New England is like the difference between a $200 bottle of wine and a bottle of Boone's. What seems palatable and enjoyable to one town is straight up trash to another.
Scotty picked the Pats even though he continues to compare their QB to substances he doesn't even want to find on the bottom of his shoes.
Giants (-7) over BROWNS
Same New York/New Jersey reference as before, only with the added bonus that literally every hot chick from Cleveland leaves as quickly as they can for anywhere else because, I mean, why waste any God given gift in Cleveland?
Nikki the Bartender's Sports Douche Of The Week (by Nikki):
This week's douche has been earning this title for YEARS. You all know him, hate him, and probably argued with him a time or two in a sports bars. He's that guy – the guy that comes out to watch all the college games on Saturdays, or the NFL games on Sundays, but roots for no one. Instead, he's there for the sole reason of heckling all the losing teams' fans. That's right, this guy doesn't have the balls to root for any given team. No, instead he roots for no one, knowing that if he did actually root for a team, he would risk catching a dose of his own "absolute assholeness."
He sits there alone (who would want to be friends with this guy?), drinking his beer, scoping out the ONE person in the bar, decked out in his or her favorite teams' garb, who is the definition of the true fan, screaming at the TV; he's the one fan who will sit there until the final whistle blows. He's the anti-band wagon fan even (and especially) while his team continues to play like utter garbage, and is down 31-0 in the third.
Our douche will find this one fan and then proceed to tell him how much his or her team sucks. "Give up on the season," the douche will say, ignoring the fact that it's week three of the season and there is still a whole lot of ball to be played.
So I asked this douche on one occasion who his team was. The reply:
"I don't have a team. I don't even like football."
Cheers to you, our sports douche of the week. May you be smart enough not to procreate, sparing the rest of the world from generations of complete and utter ignorance.
(Nate's note: The sports douche of the week makes me feel that, even though Nikki has put up with a virtual kiloton of adolescent and stupid behavior from me, I am nowhere near her least favorite customer – that's something, I guess.)
Scotty the Handicapper's College Pick of the Week
Scotty nailed his pick last week but you didn't get to see it because I was up to my eyeballs in cheap champagne and pink bed sheets. But he nailed it anyway. And he's nailed every one this year so far. And his pick for this week is….
Cincinnati (-7).
Scotty implores you to buy down the hook (a hook is a half point) if your bookie is offering 7.5 instead of 7.
Scotty's bonus pick of the week that won't affect his record here:
Scotty's been so hot lately, that he feels a need to tell you that Oklahoma (-7) is also a good bet. In these troubling economic times, it's nice to know that Scotty is now completely out of debt and sitting pretty because he knows more about gambling than I do.
Your Obligatory USF Homerism
Fuck off, all of you. I have nothing to say.
Record from Two Weeks Ago:
Nikki: 9-4
Me: 9-4
Scotty: 6-7
Overall Record:
Nikki: 36-23-1
Me: 26-33-1
Scotty: 24-35-1
Nkki still owns us, but on average, we make more for the same amount of work. At least we've got that.