(Scene: Moderator and the Narcotics Anonymous crew sit around in one of those park bench awning barbecue thingies in nice public parks.)
MODERATOR: Well, that concludes our first Narcotics Anonymous meeting in the park. I want you all to enjoy this beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon. Remember, "Win or lose, just don't abuse."
(Moderator exits. NA members look at each other. X and Harry go to the swingsets to talk to some children.)
X: Hey kids. You know that feeling when you're taking a bath and your private parts get all soapy? Can you imagine feeling that all over your body for three to five hours while appreciating trance music?
HARRY: Judas priest, X! These kids are ten! Listen, you don't want some weird guy feeling your weiner. Remember when you were a baby and you'd poop yourself and just lay there? How would you like to do that every hour of the day, never have to shower or eat? Just stick this needle in your arm…
(Les D. steps in.)
LES D.: Do you want your dreams to seem more real? Like you can fly and melt stuff with your brain and shit? I can do that for you, man. It's fucking rad, man. You want to be Scooby-Doo waterskiing with a Transformer eating Fruity Pebbles all day? I can do that too. Just put this piece of paper in your eye. All the bright lights live in Disneyland!
X: Oh come on. I'll make all-the-time feel like naked time!
(Al, Mary Jane and Coco talk to some high school kids.)
AL: Sure people will make out with you if you hang out with me. I make all kinds of amazing things happen. Want to go streaking? I'm there. Want to start shit on fire? I'm so there. I'll be your best friend for a long time. Best thing is, I'm easy to steal from your parents.
MARY JANE: Don't forget to tell them about hangovers and liver problems.
Little Suzy, can I borrow your make-up compact? Got some party business to care take of… AL: Shut up, hippie. Don't listen to her, Gang. You're young, you'll be able to drink wine coolers all night long and suck face with all the good looking or fat people you want. She'll have you playing Ultimate Frisbee and listening to Grateful Dead. Stick with me and you'll be hanging with the cool kids in no time.
MARY JANE: And sleeping around with really gross people, barfing your guts out after too many tequila shots and crying for no reason. I'll teach you to appreciate everything. I make anything cooler. Movies, music, art. Even sex. Ask Al about whiskey dick.
AL: Now that's just not fair.
COCO: Hey kids! You know you're better than these two losers! With me, you'll look and feel cooler! You'll be like Paris Hilton's BFF! Even better than that gay dog or the gay guy from Good Charlotte! You're going to be a superstar, I just know it! Yippee! You'll get into all the cool exclusive clubs that these losers aren't allowed inside of! You just need me about every twenty minutes and you'll rise to the top faster than…
MARY JANE: Your nasal cavities collapsing spontaneously and your wallet and pride emptying. Stick with me. I'm cheap, easy, fun and plus, I don't have any drawbacks.
AL: Except for being a self-righteous skank.
COCO: Hey kid! Can I borrow that G.I. Joe knife? Little Suzy, can I borrow your make-up compact? Got some party business to take care of if you know what I mean!
(Crystal and Cracker speak to some parents.)
CRYSTAL: Seriously, don't you just fucking hate sleeping? With me, it's always a party! Woohoo! I can paint your house, read all those books you never read in college and make babies like you wouldn't believe! That's right motherfuckers! All fucking night long. All fucking day long.
CRACKER: I make it all, um, go away. Yeah. Can I borrow some of, um, your stuff? Um, expensive stuff? I'll just, um, use it for a little bit and give it right back. I'm in a spot. We're friends, right?
CRYSTAL: What the fuck are you trying to pull right now, Cracker? These are MY people. They want to be productive and cool. They don't want to be shaking in some stranger's abandoned car or burn their faces off while smoking out of lightbulbs. These are good people, they just need that extra push.
CRACKER: I'll lick you. You know you want to, um, try me. You've seen me on the news.
(Val appears.)
VAL: Wouldn't you just like to chill out, and do all that crap you don't really feel like doing? And if you didn't do it, that's cool too. I'll make you feel better and take all that tension out of your muscles. It's like a massage, for your body and mind. The best thing is that it's a prescription, so you don't have to feel dirty about doing it. The government says I'm legal and doctors prescribe me. They're never wrong. It's for your own good!
CRYSTAL: You wretched WHORE! They're interested in me! Can't you tell?
(Moderator rushes in.)
MODERATOR: What the golly gee heck are you people doing? You can't solicit yourselves in public parks!
CRYSTAL: Did you run out of snappy rhymes and sayings you fuckwad?
MODERATOR: Why I never…
ALL: Fuck you.
LES D.: That is the baldest squirrel I've ever seen in the mouthwash brewery.
END
In order of appearance:
Al: Alcohol
Mary Jane: Marijuana, you dumbass.
Harry: Heroin
Coco: Cocaine
Les D.: LSD
Crystal: Crystal Methamphetamine
X: Ecstasy
Cracker: Crack Cocaine
And introducing Val as Valium.