As much as lying has helped me evade jail time, fines, legal fees, speeding tickets, taxes, detention, suspension, expulsion, bad reputations, failed classes, ruined relationships, broken jaws, cable bills, internet bills, and a paternity test or two, I still find myself thanking alcohol for occasionally bringing out the honesty in me.
I chugged two Long Islands and then sped home. They didn't hit me until I parked my car though.Sure, it tends to get me in trouble, but I can't help but feel better after getting some of the lies off my chest, especially when, in one way or another, they always seem to get me drunk, laid, or in a fight—three things that don't happen nearly enough when I'm sober and dancing around the truth.
Intoxicated candor is also nice because, while sober, I tend to just ignore people I don't like. However, I often forget how much fun it is to make certain deserving people realize how big of a douchefuck they are, and that's where alcohol lends a hand. With alcohol, I don't hold anything back. Rage, sexuality, crudeness, explosive fits of vomiting—I let it all out. And damn, does it feel good.
Here are six conversations that would happen if the world were a little less stringent about floating an ounce or ten of 151 atop their morning coffee.
Girl: There's this other guy I want to start fucking, but I don't want to screw you over by breaking your heart and steal your pride by dumping you. So, how about you claim I'm psycho and break it off thus giving you the social upper-hand in the post-breakup conversations with your boys, and I tell everyone you have a big dick?
Guy: Sounds like a plan. See ya around, Crazy.
Girl: Take it easy, Horse Cock.
Paul: Dude, did you drive home drunk?
Chris: Nah man, I chugged two Long Islands and then sped home. They didn't hit me until I parked my car though. I timed it perfectly.
Paul: Don't have kids.
(At a frat party)
"Don't turn around. I don't wanna see your heart break-in', DON'T TURN AROUND!"Brodie: Hi, I am going to shout unintelligible drunken ramblings in your ear and begin grinding my poorly-hidden chubby against your ass.
Sorostitute: I am going to pretend that I can hear you over this unreasonably loud hip-hop and then judge your appearance based off a glance over my shoulder. I will then rate your attractiveness against your level of potential creepiness and desperately try to remember if you have hooked up with any of my friends. I will then rack my brain to conjure up what nickname we gave you and then try to recall if the friend of mine that you hooked up with has been a bitch lately. I will do this all in under three seconds.
Brodie: Suffrage was a mistake.
(At the gym)
Ryan: Excuse me, sir, I would really like a spot on this set of bench press but don't want to give you the satisfaction of thinking that I chose you because I think you are ripped and look like you know what you are doing.
Aaron: There is nothing you can do to avoid me feeling like your equal. In a few moments your obvious muscular supremacy will become void.
Ryan: Next time I'm waiting for my roommate to finish his bio-chem homework.
Aaron: Next time I'm wearing a smaller shirt.
Girl: Explain to me why you don't want to date me using a sports metaphor I'll have to look up later.
Guy: Because hitting doubles and triples off an entire bullpen of potential Cy Young winners is more exciting than hitting home runs off the same pitcher night after night.
Girl: Thank you.
Teacher: Alright, let's begin class by seeing who put the most time into pretending to read. How about…Alex—would you like to start?
Alex: Happily. I think the author was trying to express his disdain and fear for the future if the then-current societal movements continued spreading at the same pace. Moreover, the international setting and cultural diversity of the main character set displayed the author's intent on improving globalization of not only economics and trade, but also of ideals.
Teacher: And you memorized that whole paragraph?
Alex: Word for word.
Teacher: Impressive; considered acting?
Alex: Every time I study.
Attention students looking for a Christmas present: Alex Bash's The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget will be the perfect boomerang gift for your friend/roommate. Please order it.