While I usually write slightly longer articles with more substance/penis jokes, I think it is often best to keep articles short and sweet, and replace penis jokes with sexually derogatory metaphors or ethically mortifying allegories.
Thus, I have decided this week to give you a bunch of "Top 10 Lists." They're simple, theoretically good for 10 laughs per list, and allow everyone who reads it the chance to remark "Psh, I could have done better."
So, I thought I'd begin the list of lists with a list of the…
Top 10 Creative Insults I Would Respond With If You Said "Psh, I Could Have Done Better"
10. I sincerely disagree, you ridiculously over-priced box of Plan B.
9. I sincerely disagree, you enticing novel with a good first chapter that rapidly delves into the Land of Cliché and Jarring Pace.
8. I sincerely disagree, you recently-shaved ingrown pubic hair that girls wince at but don't verbally complain about.
7. I sincerely disagree, you piece of whole wheat bread on which mold is discovered after bite number five.
6. I sincerely disagree, you guy who hates things that are popular just to be different because he is insecure and feels the need to constantly define himself as unique.
5. I sincerely disagree, you stand-in for Bob Dole's winter-shrunken testes.
4. I sincerely disagree, you guy who refuses to believe that the reason his favorite band remains underground is because they're untalented.
3. I sincerely disagree, you over-heated Wildberry Pop Tart that burns the roof of one's mouth.
2. I sincerely disagree, you slightly uncomfortable desk chair, that is just bad enough to be annoying but not bad enough to justify buying a new one.
1. I sincerely disagree, you pair of JNCO Jeans.
Anyway, carry on…
Top 10 Most Uttered Phrases Upon Waking Up After Partying Way Too Hard
10. Health insurance covers penicillin, right?
9. Having ten fingers was superfluous.
8. Please be attractive, please be attractive…
7. I really hope that's not my blood. Or my dick.
6. He posts the lecture notes online, right?
5. I was tired of having a job anyway.
4. There's still a chance I could have been adopted.
3. I remember something about a bank heist…
2. Yes, but how illegal is bestiality?
1. That's it, I'm triple-wrapping it next time.
Top 10 Things You Do Upon Waking Up After Partying Way Too Hard
10. Curse the sun, morning, and physical process of dehydration.
9. Crush and mix Plan B into her juice.
8. Piss for what you believe is world record length.
7. Locate pants.
6. Evaluate importance of attending work/school/church/court date.
5. Ponder feasibility of Gatorade IV.
4. Cringe at bar receipt.
3. Put shoelace back in shoe.
2. Check self for cuts/bruises/stray bodily fluid/missing organs.
1. Brace for voicemails.
Top 10 Worst People to Meet While Shit-Faced (for guys)
10. Hiring Manager from Merrill Lynch.
9. Hiring Manager from Microsoft.
8. Hiring Manager from UBS.
7. Hiring Manager from Citigroup.
6. Hiring Manager from Google.
5. Hiring Manager from Morgan Stanley.
4. Hiring Manager from Blackstone.
3. Hiring Manager from BOA.
2. Hiring Manager from Goldman Sachs.
1. Lesbian Cop.
Top 10 Worst People to Meet While Shit-Faced (for girls)
10. Former Boyfriend.
9. Former Lover.
8. Former Flame.
7. Former Partner.
6. Former Fling.
5. Former Affair.
4. Former Hook Up.
3. Former Fuck Buddy.
2. Former One Night Stand.
1. Disappointed Father.
Top 10 Top 10 Lists You Don't Want to be Part Of
(Based off last night's events)
Top 10 Guys Most Likely to be Dumped By Their Girlfriends for Making Out With Dudes.
Top 10 Guys Most Likely to Shatter Mrs. Brown's Chandelier with a Stolen Assault Rifle.
Top 10 People Who Suck at Surviving Brain Hemorrhages.
Top 10 Girls Most Likely to Frantically Un-tag Themselves in Facebook Pictures.
Top 10 Guys Who Should Cover Their Face and Run When They Hear Sirens.
Top 5 Girls Most Likely to Curl Up in the Fetal Position in the Corner of the Shower and Cry.
Top 10 Guys Least Likely to Remember They Consented to a Paternity Test with that Chick They Knocked Up in Cabo and Now Have to Pay Six Years' Worth of Child Support.
Top 10 People Who are Seriously Considering Fleeing the Country—Like, Are Actually Legitimately Planning the Details—No Joke.
Top 10 People Most Likely to Not Be Able to Vote in the Upcoming Election.
Top 10 Girls Most Likely to be Able to Relate to Entirely Too Many Scenes from Requiem for a Dream.
Top 10 Ways to End This Article
10. End it with a list of the Top 10 Ways to End This Article list.
9. Make a joke about one of the other PIC columnists.
8. Make an offensive joke regarding a sensitive topic such as race, religion, or giving embalmed fetuses as dolls for Christmas presents.
7. Accidentally leave in some question I wanted to ask Court, such as: "Is this still going up on Wednesday since it's New Year's Eve?"
6. Photoshop a picture of Sarah Palin being banged by Joe Biden.
5. Try to incite a flurry of angry/ignorant comments by pointing out cliché differences in the mannerisms of those with particular skin colors.
4. Make a tired celebrity pun about Screech being a porn star or Lindsay Lohan being a lesbian.
3. Spaz out on the keyboard for a few seconds like this: efubf8734pfg/f,g[we[:EIn&#^DDkdfjeie7&#gwof;f/wlf.
2. Insert a hyperlink to my book on Amazon.com in the hope someone will buy it.
1. Just end it, because no one has the attention span to make it this far anyway. (If you did, comment with your favorite creative insult.)