I hope you all remember your personal favorite Valentine's Day moments during this joyous season of love and candy. Just in case you don't possess a favorite mushy moment, I'm giving you a few of my favorite V-Day acts of cutesy love to warm your heart.
1. Dare To Be Great
I moved to Colorado without any friends and ended up dating a cute lifeguard, who served as my only non-relative companion. After two weeks of knowing each other she started dropping bombs like, “How many kids do you want?” and “At what age are you planning on getting married?” What's a guy to do? Eventually I met non-psycho acquaintances and decided to end this torturous relationship, but I didn't want to be the asswipe who dumps his girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
I wanted to avoid the jacked-up prices and crowds of PDA-ers that restaurants pull on the 14th, so I told her I'd happily take her out on the 13th or the 15th. The Lifeguard exploded on me, calling me every name in the book (which I deserved) and kicked me to the curb (which I also deserved) on Valentine's Day. Instead of spending a lot of money on dinner, roses and chocolate, I took my little brother to “Daredevil: The Movie” which coincidentally opened on V-Day. Because of the experience, I still hold a special place in my heart for “Daredevil” — and I could be the only person on Earth who liked that movie.
2. Valentine's Day Massacre
Sexually frustrated singles flooded the bar during my Valentine's Day bouncing shift. Lonely girls are sometimes pleasant, but pussy-hungry dudes pose problems. During the night about ten guys started a near riot in my bar.
The Rican (another fellow doorguy) showed his true colors and ran, leaving 4-5, The Law and yours truly to settle the massive disruption. First into the sea of popped collars was 4-5, who did a great job getting his face punched in, saving us time to figure out who the aggressors were. The Law, a mixed-martial arts fighter, managed to asphyxiate one guy after the other. I choked out one dude, shoved another into a wall and then felt knuckles hitting my ear.
When somebody takes a swing at a bouncer we're allowed free reign. I felt like punching the guy (let's call him Dodgy) so I tried my damndest, but he ducked three jabs. The melee grew more intense as bodies piled on floor. This fight needed to end quick, and I was the weak link taking on only one guy. 4-5 let a few thugs kick him in the ribs which allowed The Law to easily strangle the distracted stompers.
My fist missed Dodgy again, but instead of retracting my punch for a block, I pulled his face into my forehead for a masterfully executed headbutt. Your perfectly engineered skull protects your brain from trauma while nothing defends your nose. If you loaded a garbage bag full of cherry pie filling, then dropped it off the Empire State Building, that's what the scene looked like after this headbutt.
So much blood splattered that everybody lost their desire to fight. Girls screamed. Dodgy crab walked away from me, never letting his eyes leave my orbs. I couldn't help staring at the aborted-fetus thing stuck to his face, which I later deduced was the remnants of his shattered nasal cavity.
I wiped my brow of what I thought was sweat, but turned out to be more of Dodgy's blood. Who knew your schnozz needed so much go-juice? When I saw my hand I jumped, which made Dodgy turn and run. I followed him which made him more skittish and speedy, but I didn't mean to chase him, I just wanted to was the human sap off my face and hands.
The Law managed to put about five brawlers to sleep, a one-night record that still stands as far as I know. 4-5 learned what it's like being a human dance floor. The Rican said his reason for leaving was to get a flashlight – always the brave one. I experienced how frikkin' sweet headbutts are. We never found out about why the fight started, nobody ever pressed charges and I have no idea what Dodgy actually looks like – I can't be expected to remember every face I mangle.
At the end of the night some girl gave me candy hearts. I was happy.
3. Ridin' Solo
I always quit drinking, smoking, Facebook and other stuff during January. This year I quit shaving, which works well when you're unemployed and single. Tomorrow I'm trimming the Grizzly Adams into an ultra-badass handlebar mustache in celebration of this Hallmark Holiday! Beat that Romeo!
There you have it, romance from a true comic genius.