There aren't many causes I get behind. I mean, I believe in stuff: the gold standard, open bars, those sexy stockings that only go halfway up the female thigh and make attractive girls look like they recently walked out of one of my favorite RedTube videos. And, though it is a rare occurrence, sometimes I even stand up and fight for a cause or two.
Okay, that's not even remotely true. I have never stood up for a cause in my life. I have, however, sat down in front of a keyboard for a cause and that's what I'm doing right now.
We, as you may or may not have noticed, recently clicked another year over in the odometer of life that is our Earthly calendar. We got drunk, we had sex, we woke up with hangovers, and we wondered just when in the hell we're gonna grow up.
And then our girlfriend asked, "Why in the hell are you writing in the second person to describe what specifically happened to you?"
She's a bit of a grammar Nazi sometimes.
Cars aren't flying, time travel is still impossible, and MASH reruns are still on basic cable. "Two Thousand" sounds so futuristic.Of course, I'm kidding. What she really said was, "Happy Two Thousand Ten."
"Twenty Ten," I replied.
"I like Two Thousand Ten," she said.
"You are wrong," I said. "It's not your fault. You're a woman."
She smacked me. She does that a lot. If you were my girlfriend, you probably would as well.
I thoughtfully and humbly explained to my girlfriend why we must refer to this year as Twenty Ten and not Two Thousand Ten. Here for your edification, is my sound and well developed reasoning.
First off, during the 1900s we did not say, "Nineteen Hundred Ninety-Six," because it would take too long and we, as a culture, say the name of the year we're in quite a bit. Therefore, we should say "Twenty" instead of "Two Thousand." It's a word economy thing.
Second off, in keeping with my word economy idealism, it is also important to note that Twenty Oh Nine takes the same amount of syllables as Two Thousand Nine. So though the Two Thousand phrase was fine for the first ten years of the millennium, it is now about as relevant as Friendster.
And last off, cars aren't flying, time travel is still impossible, and MASH reruns are still on basic cable. "Two Thousand" sounds so futuristic. But really, the only advancements made in the last ten years seem to have something to do with mobile internet development and fat free yogurt products. We haven't earned the right to pretend we live in the future. Twenty follows nineteen. Two thousand follows Mr. Jetson to work. I think you know what I mean.
Oh, and not for nothing, but the other day I saw a car commercial where the announcer referred to the dealership's latest models of vehicles as their "Oh Ten models." And that… well that's just really, really sad. I would have wept for humanity had I any actual faith in it.
So remember people, as you stumble out into the wild world of nowadays, you have an obligation to continue a tradition of brevity that has served this planet well for hundreds of years. It's Twenty Ten, people. And it's your job to remind and correct every person who says otherwise.
Even if you are dead sure they will smack you.