It's a Tuesday and I feel like bitching.
It is fucking cold. I mean it is ridiculously-freaking-out-of-this-world-what-the-hell fucking cold here in Tampa Bay. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of running the heat. I'm sick of wearing socks all the time. I'm sick of waking up out of my nice warm bed, freezing my ass off on the way to the bathroom, getting in my nice warm shower and then dressing while my teeth chatter. This is not right.
I've lived in Tampa for fourteen years now and I've seen some cold. But the thing is it's usually just cold for maybe nine to twenty days an entire winter so it's actually kind of cute when it happens. I get to wear sweaters and jeans and sip hot cider at Skipper's Smoke House for a few days and then the cold goes away. The way it's supposed to. The way Tampa's supposed to be dammit. That's one of the main reasons I live here.
This winter though, I've worn every freaking sweater I own at least three times. (Side note: My parents always buy me sweaters for Christmas even though I live in Central Florida and I have never managed to actually wear every one of them in one winter. But this year, well this year I'm going through them like Michael Westin goes through yogurt.) And I hate it. I hate everything about this winter.
It has only hit seventy degrees Fahrenheit once in 2010 in Tampa.
ONCE!!!!!
Now some of you, most of you I imagine, don't live in warm climate areas and certainly don't want to hear the complaints of a Floridian but to you I say: fuck off! You elected to live some place cold. You knew that snow and winter were distinctly likely every freaking year. Me on the other limb, I expect warmth and sunshine dammit. I live in freaking Tampa.
I live here for the flip-flops, for girls in tight shorts with no winter build-up-the-fat time, for T-shirts and for the love of god, this is not what I had in mind.
I'm tired of global warming jokes, tired of being pale, tired of spending my weekends realizing that Tampa offers very little in the way of indoor activities. I was not meant for this and if it doesn't stop soon I will kill someone. I'm serious.
My buddy Peek is getting married this Saturday. On the beach. I'm in the wedding and I have to wear flip-flops and will not be wearing a jacket and the high is in the mid sixties. The mid sixties!
Fuck this fucking winter. Fuck it up the ass with a studded dildo until its intestines are little more than confetti. I hate everyone and everything that approves of this insanity.
B fucking rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!