With winter approaching, single women all over your city are getting antsy at the thought of spending the trifecta of affectionate holidays alone. Who will they curl up with for Christmas? Who will plant their New Year's kiss? Who will buy them unnecessary and expensive Valentine's Day gifts? Gentlemen, if you're smart (and by reading my blog you probably are) then you will take advantage of these holiday horn dogs.
You may wake up to The Fiend cooking you breakfast in bed and then come home from work to find an amateur meth lab in your kitchen.I know what you're thinking: won't this be expensive? Presents cost money and as a college student you instinctively aim to do everything in the most financially responsible (read: cheapest) way possible. Well don't worry, I've done the footwork for you and narrowed it down to the top three women that are perfect for this holiday season; think of these as product reviews for pussy. And, like any good review, I've broken each one down into four distinct categories: price, features, cons, and reason for termination. So, let's begin.
| 1. The Trophy |
Price: $$$
Since a trophy is meaningless if people can't see it, be prepared to eat at places you can't pronounce, and dance at clubs where the soles of your shoes stick to the floor, Red Bull costs $7, and you can't open your mouth without tasting the stale and salty flavor of sadness in the air. The Trophy is a great thing to have, but unless you have an elastic wallet, you should avoid this one during the holiday season.
Features:
The Trophy is a stunning display that will make you the envy of all your neighbors, so be prepared to be hated by onlookers. One of The Trophy's best features is her ability to make you seem more attractive simply by standing next to her, so be careful not to delude yourself into thinking that people are looking at you. Yearly maintenance is expensive but infrequent, similar to getting the oil changed in a BMW. As long as you remember important milestones like birthdays and anniversaries you should be okay.
Cons:
While the aesthetic features of The Trophy are on point, she lacks the humor and wit required for witty banter, so prepare yourself for awkward silences punctuated by even more awkward childhood stories. Also, bad blowjobs.
Break-Up Reason:
You either run out of spending cash or childhood stories to fill the silence.
| 2. The Fiend |
Price: $$
Since The Fiend comes with her very own drug addiction, prices vary depending on her vice and how often she indulges. Pothead? $30 and a family-size pack of peanut M&M's. Coke fiend? $200 and a full tank of gas when she decides she wants to go to Vegas on a Tuesday afternoon.
Features:
The greatest thing about The Fiend is her personality and open-mindedness toward anything or any idea. She has a fun personality, an interest in all of your favorite music, and a knack for bringing up random things you would never have known otherwise. Whether or not these things are relevant to you is another story, but at least you'll find out that it's possible to extract 800 liters of milk from a Minke whale.
Cons:
Depends on dependency. You may wake up to her cooking you breakfast in bed and then come home from work to find an amateur meth lab in your kitchen. Like accepting a collect call from prison, you never know what you're going to get with The Fiend.
Break-Up Reason:
She either stabs you, runs away without telling anyone, or smartens up…and realizes it's much smarter just to date her dealer.
| 3. The Indoor Lover |
Price: $
Someday, you'll find the girl of your dreams sitting in your favorite coffee shop reading your favorite book while wearing the concert shirt from your favorite band's best tour. Until then, feel free to get some practice with The Indoor Lover, otherwise known as the economy model. The only capital you'll need to court her is your own place, or at the very least a car that you can fit a mattress in.
Features:
Like her name implies, this model doesn't see the outside world with you unless it's a life-or-death situation. Maybe you're out of her league, maybe she's out of yours, but you both have a mutual agreement that your relationship doesn't leave your filthy bed sheets. Your best bet is to put in work and practice your sex-game so that you can be not-horrible when you actually do meet Ms. (or Mrs., you player) Right. Think of it as assisted masturbation, except you'll be using the Kleenex to wipe away tears of self-loathing instead of spunk.
Cons:
There's a reason you don't want to be seen in public with your Indoor Lover; maybe she's annoying, maybe she's taller and hairier than you, or maybe she's a leper. You should really consider yourself lucky since The Indoor Lover presents all of her faults up front, unlike typical relationships where it can take months to realize how ugly the girl really is.
Break-Up Reason:
One of you (most likely her) will want more out of the relationship than just sex. Ridiculous, I know.
So there's your cheat-sheet for holiday horn dog shopping around. Remember, dating any of these types of girls this time of the year is like buying cocaine off a homeless guy: you never know what you're going to get.
Happy Hunting!