I had a great date last night. And the female who helped provide said date has come to the conclusion that she needs to come over and clean my place. Now, she's done more than enough for me and that's not necessary and all that but it's nevertheless appreciated. And, lucky you, it reminds me of something Wesley Snipes said in a movie once:
"The generosity of women never ceases to amaze me."
And I think what I love the most about this female impulse to clean a man's place is the development of the thought process that leads to the cleaning. First, it's all "he seems nice and cute and all that, I'll give him my number." This leads to a date which leads where dates go which leads to more dates until eventually the chick just decides, "If I'm gonna keep spending large chunks of time here, this place needs to be cleaner and well, he does always pay for dinner…"
Anyway, here's a dating tip for all of you guys out there: if you're on a date and other chicks are checking you out, pretend not to notice. If she notices the chicks checking you out, pretend not to notice that. And if your date grabs your ass on the way out the door in front of one of the chicks you were pretending not to notice your date noticing noticing you, well you are, as the man says, in like the proverbial Flynn.
(That last sentence was like Chinese finger-cuffing my brain, man.)
Basically, on any date the man is the spotlight and the woman is the only actress on stage.
In case you didn't read last week, I am bringing back a rarely read and often erroneous blog post known as Picking Them Games. I went 2-2 against the spread last week and I really feel dumb for picking Kansas City to do anything anywhere even remotely right. As always, I'm a dumbass. Also as always, HOME TEAMS IN CAPS.
Seahawks (+10) over BEARS
I am not expecting Jay Cutler to cover ten points against any team anywhere ever for any reason. Last week, I won fifty bucks on these Seahawks, this week I will not be betting money on these Seahawks. Or Jake Cutler. Basically, this game is wearing a big "NO GAMBLING" sign around its neck.
Back to the cleaning thing. I remember an episode of Jersey Shore where J-Wow actually said, "I'm not fucking anyone in the house so I shouldn't have to clean up after anyone in this house." And really, all her insanity and stupidity aside, that is totally fair.
Packers (+2.5) over FALCONS
Watching the Packers play last week, I realized something about them: they are sneaky good. Seattle used to have a team like this (went to the Super Bowl) and so did the 2000 Ravens (Super Bowl winners). Basically, they're not that fun to watch, they don't do anything unique or interesting and they still manage to consistently win.
The only problem with my theory is that the Falcons are very much like this as well. But they've been sucking lately so I'm taking the visitors.
Oh and here's another dating tip for guys: tip the musicians. I don't know why but women love musicians, even when they're awful, and you tipping them makes chicks think you're not cheap and you've an interest in the arts. When really you just had some spare bucks and the dude looked so sad playing for tips.
STEELERS (-3) over Ravens
The Steelers are the second most well coached team in the AFC. And with a match up this tight between teams this good, that's pretty much all you need.
Sentence from my date last night that totally flipped my shit: "Do you want to video record this?"
Yes, yes I do.
PATRIOTS (-8.5) over Jets
All I'm saying is that if crazy gun-toting football fans reacted to the harsh rhetoric of NFL players and coaches like Jared Lee Loughner (totally didn't) reacted to the harsh rhetoric of politicians, then Tom Brady, his wife and two sons, would have been murdered in ice cold blood a long time ago.
And not for nothing, I loved the Jets this year. They were fun to watch. And I loved Rex Ryan this year. He's hilarious and all that. But the Patriots are gonna own the Jets in this game. You simply do not talk trash to the best team in the league especially when that team's QB has totally been there and done that so many times he's wiped his ass with the T-shirt. Not smart, Rex. Not smart at all.
Now, before I close this blog post and run out to buy cleaning supplies, I just want to mention something about your game watching enjoyment. Ideally, most of you will be spending Football Saturday like I did last Saturday: surrounded by friends and beer and loved ones and food and beer. But, if you are alone, like I was last Sunday, I highly recommend that you have a backup show recorded so you can watch it during the commercials and the best show to fit that bill is, in my opinion, Jersey Shore.
You see, you never care enough about Jersey Shore to actually WANT to watch it, but you care enough about Jersey Shore that it beats commercials. Plus, Jersey Shore is much more palatable in two minutes clips than as a sixty minute show (watching an episode from start to finish will make you question the universe: it just happens like that). So, by watching Jersey Shore during the commercials of a football game, you actually improve the viewing experience of both shows. I can think of no other show that fills the gaps between timeouts in a football game like Jersey Shore does. And I'm not sure how that makes me feel.
Enjoy the games.