1. Court Sullivan now commands complete and total control of all mainstream media, news outlets, and world governments. Heads of state do his bidding or face untimely demise.
2. USA Today headlines: “15 Signs Your Roommate is Sleeping with a Manatee” and “Secret Lives of Sand Fleas in Trump’s Hair.”
3. Just for fun, Sunday crossword puzzles are now in Japanese.
4. USA Weekend Person, Sheep, and Alien of the Year: Court Sullivan.
5. George Will forced to write only funny lists of Satan’s Walmart purchases.
6. Classified ad sections saturated with ads for body rubs from Court Sullivan’s mom.
7. According to USA Today investigative report, Michael Flynn’s basement is actually a base camp for impending invasion of Martian Druids.
8. Syndicated humor columnists now paid with assurance Facebook friends will think they are really cool.
9. Sports sections only cover the Falcons, Braves, Hawks, and Cobb County High School Girls Softball.
10. Posters of Court Sullivan with caption “BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING” adorn all newsrooms.
11. Consumer watchdog reports all focus on how much CollegeHumor, McSweeney’s, and Reductress SUCK!
12. Photos of world leaders replaced with drawings of popular anime characters.
13. Photos of Jihadist terrorists replaced with photos of the Banks family from Mary Poppins Returns.
14. News stories about Pope Francis feature photos of singer Connie Francis.
15. Except for some with photos of Spanish general Francisco Franco.
16. And a few with Franco-American canned pasta products.
17. And just one with Ben Affleck.
18. Business section headline: U.S. ECONOMIC COLLAPSE IMMINENT. YOUR ONLY HOPE: PURCHASE COURT SULLIVAN’S ATLANTA BRAVES BASEBALL CARDS, THE ONLY MATERIAL GOODS THAT WILL RETAIN ANY REAL ECONOMIC VALUE. PLEASE, DEAR GOD, DON’T WAIT UNTIL IT’S TOO LATE.
19. Just for fun, print editions of all newspapers now chiseled into stone tablets.
20. Classified ad sections saturated with ads for body rubs from Court Sullivan’s dad.