I don't want to talk about last week's picks (I got my ass kicked). So, allow me to kick this off with a cute story about a baseball game I umpired last Saturday (lately, I've been in “cute story” mode?it could be worse; I could be in “poetry mode”. Trust me, you don't want that).
Fall baseball in little league is basically an opportunity for kids who love ball to kill time and learn what's expected of them at the next level, which starts for them in the Spring. Because of this, no one keeps score, kids who have no business playing certain positions like pitcher or catcher get to give said positions a try and my strike zone becomes roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle.
Anyway, in the last inning of a total laugher of a game Saturday, a fifteen year old catcher and I got into a really detailed discussion about football, both pro and college. The kid who was pitching had never pitched before, and as such, every at-bat ran the gamut between “four pitch walk” and “total rip”. With ten minutes left on the clock (these games end exactly at 9:30 PM regardless of score or inning), a batter came up and joined the football discussion. He brought a lot to the table, too. Because the batter was a Saints' fan, I'm a Bucs' fan and the catcher was a Bears' fan, we were able to talk about a lot of issues facing the league from different perspectives. It was a good old, refreshing sports bull session in the middle of a game.
Then, with the count full, a pitch came in above the batters' head and he fouled it off deliberately (the ball was coming in at approximately twelve miles an hour so the intentional foul tap was pretty easy to do).
“What was that?” asked the catcher.
“I'm enjoying this conversation,” said the hitter.
And the hitter proceeded to foul off thirteen more pitches intentionally while we debated the merits of Reggie Bush's effect on opposing defensive schemes (among other topics).
All this time, the fans and coaches were yelling for the batter to take a pitch. And, after finally doing so, the batter explained to his coach that he had fouled off so many pitches because he was “in the middle of a good conversation.”
After the batter got to first and the next kid came up, the catcher said, “You know, I miss that guy already. He was like family.”
The catcher then looked at the next batter and said, “You know anything about football?”
And that, in a nut shell, is fall baseball.
On to the picks. Home teams in CAPS.
COLTS (-18) over Titans
After watching Alex Rodriguez choke in yesterday's Yankees game, I couldn't help but wonder what Peyton Manning was up to that same night. Have two athletes from different sports ever had such a similar style of play (read: choking)? Seriously, you can answer that if you like.
GIANTS (-41/2) over Redskins
The mere fact that I made this pick is enough to allow the Redskins to cover. The lesson here: don't fuck around with the ghost of Joe Gibbs. He will haunt you.
VIKINGS (- 61/2) over Lions
Memo to Mike Martz: to revamp an offense, you must have an offense. That's how that works.
SAINTS (-61/2) over Bucs
The Bucs new quarterback, Bruce Gradkowski, definitely needs a nickname (mainly because I don't feel like typing out “Gradkowski” every week). Anyway, allow me to make the following nickname suggestions: Grads, Kows, Skis and The One with His Spleen. I'm here to help.
Rams (-3) over PACKERS
I think this is the game where Leonard Little accidentally kills someone while sober for a change.
PATRIOTS (-91/2) over Dolphins
The Dolphins and the Patriots have this weird history whereby Miami gives New England an inexplicable beating at least once every two years. Unfortunately for Miami fans, the Dolphins also have Daunte Culpepper.
BEARS (-10) over Bills
The Rex Grossman Story moves on. In this week's addition, Rex destroys the lowly Bills, takes his team out for dinner, saves the lives of seven people trapped in a house fire, gets America back on the gold standard, finds Osama Bin Laden and converts him to Christianity. Really, you should tune in.
PANTHERS (-8) over Browns
Real tough pick here. And since I really don't have anything more to say about this, I figured I'd tell you that on Monday night, I went out to a bar I frequent, had a few drinks, got into a conversation with a group of guys, told them I was leaving, and they said they wouldn't let me. They bought me five drinks and kept asking me for advice about women. I guess even I can have a Doctor Phil moment every now and again.
Jets (+61/2) over JAGUARS
Well, I've finally done it. I picked the Jets. Even though common sense dictates that they will not cover this spread against the Jags at home, I picked the Jets because they seem to keep improving and the Jags do not. So there. I picked the damn Jets. I'm gonna type it again just so you can savor the fucking experience. I picked the Jets. Jay Eeee Teee Esssss.
Chiefs (-31/2) over CARDINALS
One of these weeks the Cardinals are gonna cover a spread. Until then, I'm gonna have to keep finding new ways to say the same thing:
If covering the spread was sobriety, the Cardinals would be me.
49ERS (-31/2) over Raiders
Hey everybody, the Raiders pushed last week. That's very close to covering a spread. Art Shell must be so proud. I know I am.
Cowboys (+11/2) over EAGLES
Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens.
(That was my Sports Center impression. It's good, huh?)
CHARGERS (-3) over Steelers
This game is gonna be really good and really fun to watch. But it's not very funny. So, I'm gonna use this space to thank the San Diego Padres for failing to show up to the first two games of the NLDS. That was very gracious of you guys. Really, I mean that.
BRONCOS (-4) over Ravens
Recently, my friend Dave and I had the following conversation about Monday Night Football:
Me: What do you think of the new Monday Night Football announcers?
Dave: I don't really know. I mean, I never listen to the announcers anyway.
Me: Me neither.
Dave: Then why the fuck did you ask?
Me: For some reason, I feel like I'm supposed to care.
Dave: You're weird, Nate.
Last week: 5-8-1
Overall record: 28-29-3
Labels: NFL_picks