Right now, I'm in the process of hammering out column ideas. I'm not sure the form yet, but it's almost certainly going to be a romance/sex thing. And who better than me? I had sex once. And if there's one thing I know, the key to a great lover is to leave them wanting more. Ideally you would want to be super skilled, but I find that stopping abruptly has much the same consequence. That considered, here is your sample of my sample. Not like my DNA sample. That would be messy, and to be honest, it's probably on your keyboard anyway. But you knew that.
(Note: The following story is fictionalized and stylized truth. Names may or may not have been changed. It's a mystery. Chew on that, cowface).
Girls Who Don't Give Head Can Blow Me
“It’s just not something I do.”
I understood the sentiment. Although Oprah would have us believe that every 14 year-old girl in the country is giving head in between bouts of snorting crystal meth and engaging in cybersex with federal prosecutors, the truth remains that fellatio isn’t a given. Lots of girls are still reticent or downright opposed to the idea of giving out the homemade slurpees.
My penis, however, had questions.
He gesticulated wildly, trying to get his point across. Genevieve, however, wasn’t fluent in dick. I translated.
“Is my penis not good enough for your precious mouth, Ms. I Eat At Taco Bell?”
She pursed her lips. My penis looked up hopefully, but she was just measuring out her words.
“It’s not that. I’m just…” she paused again, looking from head to head. One, amenable and willing to drop the hole thing, the other, rigidly demanding answers to the affront on his immense pride.
“Just…” my penis was still unsatisfied with the noncommital response coming from her empty mouth. He tends to see things in black and white. Although to be more precise, he wanted to see this situation end in brown and white.
Also sticky.
“Just what?” As willing I was to drop it, he demanded answers. He was easily insulted, as we had both found when Genevieve had accidentally referred to him as “cute as a button”, barely three months prior. I knew he wasn’t going to drop it until he got the answer he wanted, which was “thregis tshrateses delcidscsssmmm”, which is Dickmouth for, “I should say, this is quite possibly the most scrumptious cut of manmeat I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing.”
He pressed on. “Am I just too big?”
She laughed quickly, then caught herself. At this point we were both ready to choke her, but we realized in all likelihood only one of us would get the chance. Me and my penis had been in the situation many times before, and we both knew the standard protocol was to just let my mouth handle all the talking. Just because there was an actual girl this time instead of one of the practice dummies we usually used didn’t mean all of our training just went out the window.