The other day I parallel parked my car on a relatively busy street, hopped out excitedly to grab a Sweet Onion Chicken Teryaki sub at Subway, and promptly got killed by a 1994 Nissan Sentra speeding in the right lane.
I wish you all the best in your endeavors. This is Court Sullivan, signing off.
*The preceding has been a paid advertisement for Bloggers Anonymous. Earn your BA today, don't delay!
Actually, I got out of my car the other day and found a lavender envelope lying in the street. Because it's none of my business, I picked it up.
“Anne-Marie,” it said, in decent cursive.
Hmm, I thought, is this for me?
I opened it up to find a card inside:
“LIVE WELL, LAUGH OFTEN, LOVE MUCH” with a big heart, and lots of little hearts…just to get the point across I suppose. I opened it up.
Dear Anne-Marie,
I wish I could be their with you celebrating your birthday. But I would like to come this spring.
Last night I went to South Park just to see if I could find your “sun dress” you want your bridesmaid to wear.
I did find something very interesting in Ann-Taylor and Jessica McClintock some difference in price they are not bad looking a lots of colors to choose.
You want your bridesmaid to look beatiful – The dress from “Target” looks “cheap” cute but cheap. —
You only getmarrymarried once. You are spending thousands. These dresses in the catalog are very nice and would look very appropriate for your wedding at a beautiful setting. Because its at the beach does not mean you dress like a Rag a Muffin.
I want you to relax and have a beautiful wedding and wonderful birthday.
I love you a want the best for you. This you can also check on-line.
Love, love
XXOXOX
Mom
Now, you all KNOW I'm a huge fan of irony, but this card takes the (wedding) cake. I mean, I can barely imagine FINDING a card randomly, let alone one this personal, mysterious, and slying insulting…FROM MOTHER TO DAUGHTER…IN REFERENCE TO HER WEDDING, the most sacred event on Earth to anyone bearing two X chromosomes.
So “Mom” starts off by saying she can't make the birthday. Fine, she's up for a wedding in the spring, that should be sufficient. But then she goes on to say that she went all the way to SOUTH PARK to find the bridesmaid dress her daughter has chosen.
First of all, I don't think Matt Stone and Trey Parker are in the business of designing bridesmaid dresses. If she does find one there, I should hope the bridesmaid is a size 2-D, and loves to wear bright solids. Hmm, she does go on to say there are lots of colors to choose from…. Just make sure you don't commit any major crimes of fashion…I'm sure Officer Barbrady wouldn't appreciate that. Second, you can drive all the way to South Park, but you can't make your daughter's birthday??!! This is absolutely relatively insulting, depending on how far away South Park is compared to where your daughter lives.
Then Mom goes on to insult her daughter's CUTE but INEXPENSIVE taste in dresses. YOUR MY DAUGHTER HONEY, I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU GO BROKE making your bridesmaid look BEAUTIFUL. (P.S. We all know that all the money in Switzerland couldn't save you, so be sure to check the clearance rack one more time before the ceremony.)
Sure enough, she bounces off the insult gracefully by BUMBLING the word “MARRIED.” Hmm, seconds anyone? We have plenty of thoughts left over….
What's next? Of course! Compare your daughter to a Rag a Muffin! Oh, and be sure to tell her husband the same, we wouldn't want him to be treating her any different than her stuffed animal collection. Which, by the way, he already has a fetish for popping the eyes out of and skull-fucking. Hey, I've heard they can even custom-color glass eyes now.
But you know what? Most of all honey, your Mom just wants you to RELAX. “RELAX AND FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING I JUST SAID. This is your and your bridesmaid's day, not mine. Which is why we want her (and you) to look beautiful. Hey, did we ever tell you she hooked up with your husband last week? Don't worry, it was just meaningless sex. Though I've always thought they would make a fine couple. But that's a story for another card….”
But what kind of Mom would she be without reassuring her daughter that there is still some sort of bond…what's it called again? Shit, I know it starts with a K….no L!! That's it, L. Hmm… luggage… laminate… ladel… libido… left field… totally fucked up marriage… laughter… lullaby… LOVE!!! THAT'S IT, LOVE!!
I LOVE YOU HONEY!
THIS YOU CAN VERIFY RIGHT HERE…ONLINE! (see above)
But hey, I'm rambling, what I meant to say was, “Happy Birthday?”