The “Hurry up and Post Your Picks, it's Saturday Edition”
NEW ENGLAND (-9.5) over Miami
Body language looked pretty good last week, wouldn't you say? Fuckers.
NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Tampa
Any of you who enjoy DeGraaf's column better pray St. Louis sweeps the Padres. He's already blogging from the rooftops.
Buffalo (+10) over CHICAGO
My early vote for Coach of the Year is for Dick Jauron, whose Bills may very well go 5-11. But forget the record, he's actually made J.P. Losman into a passable quarterback. And by “passable”, I mean “capable of playing professional football against adults.” It's like Jauron held a knife to Losman's throat and said, “Listen to me, on every play you either hand it off to Willis or you throw a short pass. And by a short pass, I mean real short, like two yards at the max. If I see you so much as try a three-step drop, I'll take out a gun and shoot you right on the field, Last Boy Scout-style. Don't fuck with me, John Paul. Do not fuck with me.”
Washington (+4.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
Clinton Portis finally breaks out his first costume. I vote he wears an eye patch and holds a chainsaw and calls himself “Fantasy Team Killer”.
MINNY (-6.5) over Detroit
This fails the “Demolition Man” test.
Oakland (+3.5) over SAN FRAN
It's like I said last week, I can't see the Raiders going 0-16. They're going to win at least one, so why not against a team that lost 41-0 to a Damon Huard-led offense? And yes, for the second straight week, I'm picking Oakland. This poison tastes nice, but does it come in Diet?
PHILLY (-1.5) over Dallas
Here's the way I look at it, it would absolutely cripple the city of Philadelphia to lose this game. The Eagles are too good this year to allow for a region-altering regular season loss. It would be like Nick Gaudio suddenly not being able to pick up fat chicks at a party.
Kansas City (-3) over ARIZONA
I recently made it to 2012 in Madden where Matt Leinart, in his free agent season went unsigned. Him and his 82 rating were on the waiver wire when the season started. I mention this only because J.P. Losman currently holds a 98 rating. Does Madden know something we don't?
St. Louis (-3) over GREEN BAY
Good to have you back, Favre. My wallet thanks you.
CAROLINA (-8.5) over Cleveland
Wow, I could care less.
And since I have nothing else to add, here's a fun email from our old friend Steve Hill, who Nick Gaudio mercilessly demolished in a column earlier this year. Apparently, Hill is up to his old tricks, stealing my parenting column for his retarded Myspace blog. I called him on it and here was his response:
RE: Plagiarism and thou
Body: I figured you guys would be basically stalking me. Oh well. Do what you want…nothing will come of it. If you feel like spending thousands of dollars on a lawyer just so you can make nothing…fine. You need to chill out. Am I making money? No. Am I posting to people who actually give a damn? No. I used to think you guys at PIC would be a cool bunch to hang out, but it seems like you guys are a bunch of tightwads who can't let shit go. Why don't you get on with your own life and stop worrying about me? You wanna write another column dissing me? Fine. You wanna tell all your little buddies on PIC? Fine. Do whatever makes you feel more “manly”.
By the way, I'm wonding how you can sue me for something neither your nor I make/made any money off of? Just curious. By the way…you wouldn't get anything from me. I'm worth jackshit. You want my car? I'd pay you to take it off my hands. I live with my parents. Need anymore ammo to fuel your “ass kicking article” about me?
By the way…how'd you find me? My last name definately isn't in my profile.
-Steve Hill
What a twat. Like it's asking so much not to cut and paste someone else's work and pass it off as your own. This November, make the right choice, vote to have Steve Hill run over by a cement truck. Vote yes on No. 23. I'm Justin and I couldn't possibly approve more of this message.
INDY (-18) over Tennessee
Exhibit A on why the Colts won't win the Super Bowl again this year: Indy is going to demolish the Titans, probably by 35 or more. Manning will probably throw for 4 TDs, about 350 yards. And that's all fine. However, as bad as the Titans are, they're still an NFL defense. Manning is still going to have to dip into the playbook and probably allow for trends in his passing game. Now, smart coaches in the AFC like Belichick and Cowher and Shanahan are going to watch that, learn those trends and when they face each other in January, will kick the ever-loving shit out of him. This isn't rocket science. The more you play, the more creative you get, the more you show other teams. That's why well-coached teams like the Pats and Broncos will occassionally play shitty but still win against bad teams. Belichick and his ilk KNOW they're going to win, so why practically film your playbook?
The Colts could beat the Titans in their sleep, but that's not enough. And when Manning and the Colts shit the bed in the playoffs, again, you know why.
Jets (+7) over JAGUARS
I've been talking to my buddy Cervone, a native New Yorker, who informs me most New Yorkers follow the Jets, but dislike the Giants because, and I quote, “They're the rich team in New York.” Essentially, the Giants are perceived as a giant bureaucracy with untold millions of dollars that treats players as objects and the game as a business with which they hold a relative monopoly over almost every other market.
Read that again. This is in New York. New Yorkers have a problem with this. Can someone send these fuckheads a dictionary with “hypocrisy” highlighted?
Pittsburgh (+3) over SAN DIEGO
The Steelers' last stand. And since I have nothing to add, I'm officially seeing the Departed in about two hours. I'm a little concerned though. This movie has a lot of pressure on it. Every single review I've read says it's one of the best movies ever made. Most people I've talked to about it claimed this is the first movie they've been looking forward to for awhile. And here's what else, it's trying to be the first universally-loved great movie in some time. Probably since “Almost Famous” way back in 2001. Can you think of any other movie that everyone universally agreed was great? Take “Crash”, last year's best-picture movie. I thought it was good, not great. And I knew several people who thought it sucked. Same with “Million Dollar Baby”. This movie has to be great. God, I'm nervous just thinking about it.
DENVER (-4) over Baltimore
I smell a Steve McNair knee injury. Nope. I just farted. But still.