Reader Heather commented on DeGraaf's picks last week (if you think I'm linking you there, you're insane) that DeGraaf's picks were better because he was always right. Despite this, (a) we were both 10-6 last week, (b) I murdered DeGraaf in the playoff picks last year and (c) Heather's a cumcatcher.
Moving on to Week 3, and give me some credit, these are almost impossible picks
HOME teams in CAPS
Jets (+5.5) over BILLS
It's a battle of the good terrible teams. I feel like I'm trying to decide whether to rent Top Gun or True Lies. Both are much better than they have any right to be. To paraphrase Robin Williams in ‘Good Will Hunting', “I stayed up thinking about this pick, then a thought crossed my mind and I fell right asleep. JP Losman is still the quarterback for Buffalo.”
STEELERS (-2) over Bengals
The defining game of the season for both teams. Either Pittsburgh is still in championship form, or the Bengals are ready to make the leap. Read the last half of that sentence again. Anyway, Cincy may make the leap this season, but do you think it's happening on the road? In Pittsburgh? Against the defending champs? Who are pissed about what happened in Jacksonville last week? Sentence fragments?
Jaguars (+7) over COLTS
Another ‘leap' game. The Jags always plays Indy tough. Although I'm looking forward to Joseph Addai running for 80 yards and a touchdown, then all the ESPN guys marvelling all week about Indy's incredible running game. This is going to be just like last year when the Colts defense could finally keep people from scoring 30 a game and NFL Live made it sound like they were trotting the 85 Bears out there every week. God, I hate the Colts.
Titans (+11) over DOLPHINS
“Coming up on the 11 o clock news, hundreds are dead after the Miami Dolphins Bandwagon went careening off the road and into a ravine. An interview with the driver, Daunte Culpepper and more after Studio 60.”
Redskins (-4) over TEXANS
Hypothetical question: Suppose someone made mock Reggie Bush Texans jerseys and sold them outside of Reliant, how many do you think they'd sell? My guess is, still a lot more than Mario Williams or David Carr.
VIKINGS (+3) over Bears
Rex Grossman currently topping fantasy at the QB position is a little like Heath Ledger being the frontrunner for the Best Actor Oscar. I can't accept that. I refuse to accept that.
Panthers (-3) over BUCS
No comment. For DeGraaf's sake.
LIONS (-7) over Packers
Listen, I like Brett Favre. He seems like a great guy and he's definitely one of the best quarterbacks of all time. With that said, I'm taking some kind of sick glee in watching him go out there and shit the bed week after week. And yes, I'd feel that same way if Aikman or Elway were still playing. The best part is hearing the national media and Green Bay fans try to rationalize it week after week, like even though he's completely washed up, it's still good for the Packers to trot him out there every week. By the way, remind me of this when Brady is 42 and still taking snaps for the 2-10 Patriots in Proctor-Gamble stadium.
Ravens (-6.5) over BROWNS
I've got the inevitable McNair injury/Ravens collapse slated for late-October. Until then, I mean, it's the fucking Browns.
CARDINALS (-4.5) over Rams
I feel terrible about this pick, like I'm about to go play against the Flyers with the Trinidad and Tobago team from Mighty Ducks 2. No. I can't do it. Fuck it…
Rams (+4.5) over CARDINALS
I feel a little better now.
SEAHAWKS (-3.5) over Giants
Watching Eli's face after the Eagles' choke on Sunday, I couldn't help recalling Big Brother Peyton when his team clinches home-field or wins the AFC South or something not really meaningful in the grand scheme of things. I love the Mannings. Do you think their dad ever threw them a party for coming in third in a spelling bee?
Eagles (-6) over 49ERS
If that gag job had happened in Week 10, I'd be prepared to write off Philly. But let's not forget, they did lead 24-7 until the fourth quarter. And never underestimate McNabb. Besides, it's the fucking Niners! Why are we even discussing this?
PATRIOTS (-6.5) over Broncos
You've got Brady and Belichick…at home….still bitter about what happened in January….against a team that's seen more TV shots of Jay Cutler than Jake Plummer completions. The Broncos are going to get killed this weekend.
SAINTS (+3.5) over Falcons
Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.
Last week: 10-6