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Who says you need to be in a bar to have an old-fashioned, alcohol-induced brawl? Nobody? Oh, well I agree. Follow these simple guidelines and you too can engage in reckless behavior.
Step 1: Become, as my friend Tyson calls it, “Rip-roaring Drunk.” This means that your number of shots per hour clocks in faster than your driving speed (though driving just to get an accurate measure would fall under “bad ideas” which is another column entirely). It’s always best to begin drinking prior to arriving at a bar just in case there is a fight along the way. Remember, it’s not the quality of the fight but the quantity of people you fight with.
Step 2: Belligerence is a state of mind, much like euphoria and “alcoholism.” Practice on the finer points of such behavior, including but not limited to: yelling, cursing, slurred speech, and misdirected anger. Those with a troubled childhood and drunkards often possess these abilities inherently. If you do aren't lucky enough to possess such skill sets, fear not. Simply engage in pointless arguments over issues that neither you nor the other person actually has any control over. I recommend politics and/or religion.
Step 3: Throw punches wildly into crowds of people.. I recommend engaging a group of guys who most resemble a six-pack of douche bags. Again, quantity over quality is key, but it’s nice to get both for the price of one. Children and elderly pedestrians are often easy targets, but you’ll feel better in the morning if you swing indiscriminately. Besides, there are fewer elderly people and even fewer children out during most nights. If you prefer such targets, Halloween is always an option.
Step 4: Never bring along friends who can actually aid you in a fight. In fact, try to surround yourself with runners, preferably guys who did cross country or track in high school. That way, they’ll be too busy reliving their glory days while you proceed to catch punches with your face. If you do happen to have a skilled martial artist with you, be sure he leaves people barely conscious. It’s important that they can hear you taunt them. Also, if you’ve got a friend who actually can aid you, be sure he’s so drunk that he restrains you first, whether or not it leaves you vulnerable to strays punches. Those extra punches are for “encouragement” and just may fuel you enough to continue fighting.
Step 5: Self-restraint is for peace-keeping forces. You are not part of the UN. In fact, you are an ass-kicking force, deployed for maximum damage and minimum thinking. You are the real life Incredible Hulk. Eric Banananana was a chump in comparison, and King Kong ain’t got nothing on you. No matter how many times you’re tackled, once you get the tackler down, get up and taunt the next person. You’ve only got so much time before the army arrives to subdue you. Also, you’ll probably have to pee at some point.
Alright. Remember that fighting is never the answer, unless the question involves describing why you were arrested for assault, battery, and public disturbance. But if you aren't arrested, it's almost like it never happened. Be sure to obtain a scratch of some sort if the pansies you fight fail to leave any bruises.
*I can’t say that these steps will work for everyone, but I’ve recently tested the above for “quality assurance” purposes.