By contributing writer Zachary Atchison
It is, to quote Disney, a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, you get along, share some laughs, get to know each other, and the two of you are well on your way to doing sweaty things best described using baseball metaphors. Then suddenly, things stop cold. You still talk, but she doesn’t seem quite as interested in putting an angle in your dangle.
It’s happened: she has realized that you’re a dork.
First things first, ladies, let it be known, all guys are dorks. Whether it be as large as having a few hundred comic books lying about the room (like a, uh, friend of mine does) or as simple as owning a couple of Weird Al Yankovic albums, every guy has at least one weak spot of dorkiness. The key, guys, is keeping your inner dork on the DL long enough for her to decide to stay on your bandwagon. Otherwise she’ll go and bang the studly guy with the brains to at least wait until he has his hand up her shirt before informing her that he’d auction off space in her womb for a Barry Bonds rookie card.
But fear not, kindly geek, for I am here to help you run damage control, possibly salvaging some chance at spending some time making squelching noises with your lady love.
Step 1: Shut Up, Dork
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Your goal here is to make sure that she thinks that your dorky passion is simply a personality quirk, rather than the potentially socially crippling obsession you know it is. At least long enough for you to smack her with the relationship oar, or, if you’re not inclined that way, long enough to get her to do that thing with the rubber ducky and length of electrical tape that you love so much.
The key here is acknowledging your particular dorkiness and then saying nothing more on the topic.
Admitting that yeah, you collect the occasional comic, then changing the subject to how her eyes are the most fascinating shade of green – good.
Providing her with a lecture on how Batman could totally beat Superman down with some body armor and a chunk of kryptonite – bad.
Step 2: Deflect Attention
Here’s where you better be willing to call in a favor, ‘cause one of your buddies is gonna hafta take one for the team.
Basically, you need to invite the object of your affection out with your buddies, then gently, but firmly, steer the conversation towards how your target buddy can list off the titles of every original Star Trek episode. Remember: if grade school taught you anything, it’s that the best way to cover up your own inadequacies is to mock someone else’s. So don’t hold back.
Tear into the poor bastard until he begs for mercy and cries tears of shame into his beer. If you feel bad about violating the sanctity of “bros before hos” just remember, all’s fair in love and getting your penis touched. And once you’ve achieved said touching, take your buddy out and buy him an apology pitcher you cruel, petty little man.
Step 3: Expert Testimony
Now, you’ve managed to minimize your dorkiness in her eyes, but, my friend, I’m afraid that simply isn’t enough. Once again, you’ll need to enlist your friends, but this time you don’t have to utterly shame them.
The idea here is to get your friends to tell your girl stories of all your non-dorky exploits, therefore making the whole dork business seem like a small part of your otherwise healthy and socially well-adjusted personality. Basically, you’re gonna need them to lie about you more than they do about why “The Nevada She-Male Ranch” showed up on their Visa bills after their last Vegas weekend.
Getting them to tell the right stories is key. For instance, if one of your buddies tells her about that time you got a busload of people to sing along to “Wonderwall” on the ride home from the bars, it’s safe to say you’ll seem like a pretty decent guy. But if she hears about how you got everyone together to get stoned and watch the Matrix trilogy in one sitting? Not so much.
Step 4: Hide the Evidence
So, you’ve accomplished all the previous and you’re hitting the home stretch: you’ve got her in your room. It is vital at this point that you have, at least temporarily, removed all physical evidence of your dorky habits. If she’s gonna do something with you that she’ll feel the need to confess to a priest in the morning, then you need to make sure you’ve eliminated all visual cues that would remind her that you may ask her to dress up in the Princess Leia slave outfit from Return of the Jedi.
So grab all your dork relics and have a friend take care of them for a couple months. And remember to pick someone who takes care of your stuff wisely. That buddy who sold his little brothers PSP for enough money to buy an ounce of hash and a couple pizzas? Probably not one to be trusted.
So, friends, there you go. This is the best possible advice I can provide on covering up your dorkish leanings, at least until she’s in too deep to run when she realizes how bad it truly is.