Name
Jesus Christ
Have you gone by any other names?
Sure, bro. Yahshua. Did you know the correct way to pronounce my name is Yeh-shoe-ah? Righteous, right? No, literally it’s righteous. It’s derived from the name Joshua, so, like I’m a Josh. But we’re not on a first-name basis here, alright. You can call me your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Or Lord and Savior. Or Jesus Christ. Or The Word, for tax purposes.
Why are you applying for unemployment?
Because I don’t have an income, bro. Due to COVID-19, many people just haven’t had time to really go to churches and worship me, your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So my prayer income stream has really, like, dried up. When two or more people gather to congregate, it’s worship, but when two or more people Zoom, it’s taxing. I mean, I just don’t have fast enough internet speed, bro.
When was the last time you worked?
Well, technically, as the Messiah, I am always working. But as a carpenter, I worked about three months ago.
How many hours do you work a week?
Well, being the son of God with the power to transcend time itself, the hours I work vary from two to the square root of five-thousand-seven-hundred-and-thirty-one to about 5 to 6 hours a week.
Are you willing to work, if you find work?
I am always willing to work, bro. Does creating miracles count as a job, or is that, like, considered contract work?
What was the last job you had?
As I said above, I, like, healed my last leper last week, but does that count?
How much did you make in your last job?
Well, I didn’t make “money.” I don’t believe in “money” but my landlord says that miracles don’t pay the bills and he’s right. It’s a miracle if I get my internet working, am I right? lol
Were you affected by COVID 19?
Shouldn’t the question be, infected lol? Kidding. Yeah, I was affected by COVID-19? What type of question is that?
In order to make a determination, we need to know your previous income. What was your previous income stream?
Well, I didn’t, like, make an income “per se.” But even though I didn’t make an income, my importance as a person shouldn’t be determined by the amount of money I make, bro. Anyway, I totally don’t want to upset the status quo, just want peace, man.
Of course, this whole arbitrary monetary system is so nefarious. Like I said to the businessman back in verse what-ever in the Bible, there’s no heaven for you if you keep focusing on money. Don’t know how that has gotten people so confused. It’s pretty straight forward, bro.
Please list your employer details for the last 18 months of work experience.
Sure thing, bro.
Job Title: The Messiah
Years Worked: I couldn’t find the infinite symbol on the keyboard, so like, it’s 8, but like, turned sideways. It means forever and ever.
Job Role: I’m here to save you, bro. I’m here to make sure you’re like, living a good life.
Pay: Prayers, like a lot. Sometimes in the form of Hail Marys.
Job Title: Carpenter
Years Worked: On and off for, like 2,000 years.
Job Role: Build stuff, like cabinets, chest of drawers, and religions.
Pay: 30 pieces of silver. lol jk
Job Title: Miracle Worker
Years Worked: Forever. Again, sideways 8.
Job Role: Heal lepers and the unfortunate. Also, turn water into wine. It’s a great trick at parties, lame at Zoom parties. Oh, and like, I almost forgot. I can multiply fish. Was a great trick I had when I was general manager of a Red Lobster back in the day.
Pay: Satisfaction. And for water so I can turn it into wine.
Job Title: General Manager of a Red Lobster
Years Worked: 2019–2020
Job Role: Managed daily business operations. Also, see Miracle Worker above about what I could do with fish! It’s unbelievable.
Pay: $8.25 an hour. Like how’s that a living wage, bro?
Are you currently looking for work?
Well, no. I asked my father to create more work for me and he was like, “Okay, sure.” And then he created this virus. So, I am a little averse to the whole “work” thing.
Have you applied for any jobs recently?
Lol