Will the Special Water from Your Brita Make You Feel Loved and Looked After?
Brita Love™ can teach you lessons about the heart, but it cannot be that love for you. To think otherwise is a dangerous game.
Tag: Relationships
All Our Luxury Hotel Room Bathrooms Are Panopticons Now, for Lovers
Our panopticon toilet utilizes ruthless social engineering to give you the most intimate experience with your partner.
Our Marriage Needs a Gritty Reboot
We’ve become one of those vanilla, mass-produced corporate couples we never wanted to be. Our relationship is nothing more than a light-hearted romp.
Entries from a Journal I Think Will Be Read by Other People
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
The Thing About My Non-Committal Boyfriend Is That He Was Hurt in a Previous Relationship Also He Can’t Close His Eyes Completely like a Furby
He was broken up with once, so we can’t expect him to be anywhere on time, as planned, or wearing an outfit appropriate for the occasion.
More Accurate Names for Make-Out Point, Based on My Adolescence
Body Spray Bay / Strictly Cuddles Cliff / Not-So-Fast Fjord
The New York Times Divorce Announcements
It was a beautiful Tuesday as Cameron Walton & Elizabeth Bayers were happily divorced during a small but intimate ceremony at the Queens County Courthouse.
A Voicemail from Your Girlfriend (She Fell Down a Well)
I really don’t want to be a burden, but would you mind coming to help me? Only if it’s on your way home from the office.
Illnesses to Fake to Get Out of a Destination Wedding
Since Pink Eye is usually thought of as a children’s illness, there is a level of grossness that comes with admitting you have it.
I’m the Conductor Yelling “Alllllll Aboard” at the Train Station and I Love Watching You Kiss
I’ve delayed trains for hours at a time just to let couples wet each other’s face holes before departure.
The Top 10 People I’m Almost Certain My Wife Will Leave Me For
The Owner of My Once-Beloved Bodega: He’ll call her Boss in the same velvety tone that once stilled my heart.
Sycophant for Hire
For a small fee and a variable surcharge, I will shower your fragile ego with the praise it doesn’t, and will likely never, deserve.