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My therapist diagnosed me with narcissistic personality disorder.
That must have been the highlight of her week.
When a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, it lies there quietly wishing it lived in the city.
You seem like the kind of girl who stops traffic. Do you happen to work in a red light district?
I’ve been observing nature a lot lately. Trees blowing gently in the wind, birds of all colors singing beautifully, and I’ve got to say: I’ve really found myself… unemployed.
Humans are way more efficient than cars. I’ve walked thousands of miles in my life and only drank 1, 2 gallons of gasoline, tops.
My wife believes in horoscopes. That's so embarrassing. But what can you expect from a Libra.
I was a runner in high school. We went to the state championship. And when people say they went to the state championship, that means they lost the state championship.
I was bullied as a child. My mom told me to tell my bullies, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words–” but they just went, “You hear that guys? That's his weakness. Let's break his bones!”
Weather forecasters have been getting threatening messages lately. But to be optimistic they’re calling them “partly non-threatening.”
At the end of the ceremony the priest hit the groom over the head with a two-by-four and the groom in turn kicked the bride in the stomach. We knew it was all scripted but appreciated the effort to make a boring event somewhat amusing.
When we got to the restaurant I was asked if I had reservations. I said some but we'll eat here anyway.
Some politicians stand for the truth. As its replacement.
The full moon looked angry as it rose. Or perhaps it was just a phase.
Unskippable Army ads on YouTube make me root for the terrorists.
Hieroglyphs, lately discovered scratched in a wall in Tutankhamun’s tomb: “You must be joking!! Can’t a pharaoh oversleep once like everyone else??”
On the first day, God said “Let there be light” and there were overhead fluorescent lights. God saw the light, that it was bad. He regretted His lack of specificity.
Why am I not scared of haunted houses? I don't know, nothing jumps out at me.
In relationships I'm like a tech entrepreneur: fail fast and fail forward (into my spaghetti).
Learning how to pick locks has really opened up a lot of doors for me.
I tried to be a butcher. It was great. I love working with animals.