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I always put my coffee grounds in the compost pile. I like the idea of keeping those damn raccoons up all day.

— Mark Armstrong

I weighed myself this morning and the scale said “used car salesman,” so I suppose it's time for me to lose a few morals.

— Sarah Totton

5 Easy Steps to Manage a Panic Attack from Someone Currently Having One
Step 1: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 2: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 3: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 4: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 5: The 4-7-8 Breathing Method

— Kenny Reilly,

“Would you quit your honking. I’m going as fast as I can!” But the duck wasn’t finished telling his story.

— Nathan Vogel

Love is something you’re in, like tall boxes you can’t jump high enough to see over the edge of, or escape from, or scream loud enough for someone to hear you and cut a hole in to rescue you.

— Kevin Ahern

Hypochondria is best cured by letting people who think they're doctors treat people who think they're sick.

— Luís Leal Miranda

In this week’s episode, the Property Brothers travel to Tatooine to help Jabba transform a decrepit fixer-upper into his Forever Hutt.

— Tobi Pledger

Remember: Standing up for yourself is the first step to sitting back down for yourself.

— Andrew Genser

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic.

— Ray Cabarga

My background in writing and editing has perfectly prepared me for my job as a preschool teacher. After all, I am experienced in fixing people’s mistakes.

— Joseph Szalinski

Told my co-worker we should form a union. We have now been happily married for 12 years.

— Kenny Reilly,

Have you heard the joke about the airplane that flew forever? Yeah, it never landed.

— Aaron Roberts

Children should be seen and not run over.

— Ray Cabarga

Some people are afraid of artificial intelligence. I think they should be more afraid of natural stupidity.

— Alexander Stecher

My friend has multiple personalities. But he's good people.

— Ray Cabarga

Top 5 Worst Places to Be Shot

1. The Gap
2. The hip
3. In line for the waterslide (near top)
4. The Head… and the Heart revival tour
5. During a traffic stop on your way to an interview at The Gap

— Tanner Abernathy

I made a controversial joke at the annual National Victoms of Strokes Conevntion. Only half the room laughed.

— Michael Johl

I only need a cursory glance at the Dunning-Kruger study to tell you just how flawed it is.

— Ian Moore

I always hoped one day we could have flying cars, but no matter how many Volvos I push out of nests, they never learn.

— Tanner Abernathy

I hate to be that guy, but your mother and I are splitting up.

— Nic Nikcevic,