If you expect me to believe in reincarnation, you must think I was reborn yesterday.
They say patience is a virtue, but they don't have to look so damn smug when they say it.
My personal trainer told me I’m an egomaniac pessimist with deep delusions of grandeur and a pattern of subconscious self-deception. So I’m thinking about getting an emotionally estranged trainer.
What was that word again? Oh yea, “unforgettable.”
Words can hurt. Ask anyone who’s ever had a dictionary thrown at them.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
The artist bio can go south really fast: painter, photographer, calligrapher, dentist.
Today is the first day of the rest of my week.
Knocking on a door is funny because it's like, “Hey! I'm coming in, but first I gotta teach this door a lesson.”
How do we decide which soup of the day becomes soup of the year?
“I wish I had something to complain about,” she whined.
The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.
RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.
My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.
To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?
Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.
I was going to attend a seminar on procrastination, but I told myself I could always go later.
“Not all who wander are lost” is a beautiful quote, but not so reassuring to hear from Google Maps.
Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.
If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?
“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”