Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.
Today, I saw the cutest baby making their parents laugh. But when I went over, the baby refused to repeat the joke.
It's called Reverse Psychology. Don't look it up.
Don’t be intimidated by super models. Super models are just normal people that were bitten by radioactive models.
When I look at those drawings where right-brained people see a horse, and left-brained people see a penguin, all I see is an artist that needs to change careers.
— Rick Post, @RickPostCo
If my walls could talk they would say, “go outside!”
I can be spontaneous, given enough notice.
It’s bonkers that some cult classics have smaller followings than some classic cults.
Hi, my name is Jacob, but my friends call me “overbearing.”
What is a “quarian” and why are so many old people against it?
We Color-Blind people love St. Patrick’s Day. Or as we call it, “International That’s Green For Sure Day.”
I often wish an intruder would break into my home at night because maybe HE will take my Spider-Man pajamas seriously.
Bragging about achieving something single-handedly sounds like you only put in half the effort.
Taught my dog how to shake. Now we just need to get her to explain the gap in her resume.
It’s not our ability to love that makes us human… it’s our ability to select all the pictures that don’t contain a car.
The Olympics are kinda cute. It's just one country saying, “Do you guys wanna come over and play some games?”
I remember the very last thing my Uncle Bert ever said to me: “Sarah,” he said, “that little tuft of hair between the ears of that hyena is just begging to be noogied.”
“There’s broken glass in your sandwich, you should send it back.”
Me, mouth bleeding: “I don’t want to be a bother.”
My wife longed to hear the patter of tiny feet around the house, so I canceled our pest control service.
When we’re not looking, there’s a strong chance that dogs do a few sneaky push-ups.