When I babysit my niece, sometimes she'll ask tough questions like, “Where's my mom?” So I have to reply, “Well, your mom's in heaven.” Because I just love the look of childlike wonder on her face when her mom walks through the front door.
I love the Admiral’s Feast at Red Lobster, but I’ll never order the Ensign’s Expired Eel again.
“Respect adults” was probably the weirdest rule we were given as kids, knowing what I now know about adults.
I would do anything to be a morning person except effectively manage my time.
When we were told to chase our dreams, nobody mentioned they'd be mostly anxiety dreams.
Paper is just tree jerky.
Trust me, you also don't want to look a gift horse in the ass.
The human body is magnificent. No other animal eats as much Chex Mix as we do.
If there were laws for dogs they’d probably stop messing around all the time and get to work.
If I joined a motorcycle gang I would probably be the leader, since I own a car.
A misplaced decimal can make things a hundred times worse.
— Rick Post, @RickPostCo
I'm a natural ventriloquist. Whenever I speak, it appears a dummy is talking.
To air is human. To forgive confusing a frequently used noun with an infrequently used verb? Divine.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
When I check to see if “risktaker” is one word, two words, or hyphenated, I feel like I'm missing the point.
It’s a shame that the cave people could travel across the ocean millions of years ago for free using a simple ice bridge, yet today we spend millions on air travel.
If you’re ever on the run from the law, don’t get into a chase. That’s how they catch you.
How long does it take for jelly beans to grow into jellyfish? Asking for my nephew's science project.
Trying a yoga class is like an office job: strict dress code, a lot of circling back, and you’re stuck in a position for an undetermined amount of time.
I had a joke about World Introvert Day, but I think I'll keep it to myself.
I asked the waiter for an American cheeseburger so he pulled out a rifle and shot my burger 15 times.