My coworkers are constantly badgering me about the family photos on my desk. I mean, WHO CARES how I got photos of your families, man.
My insurance company gave me a blanket. It only covers about a third of my body.
I’m trying to stop comparing myself to others but it seems like everybody else is better at it.
I’m very serious about minimalism. I bought like 20 books about it.
I’m such a rule-follower, I lower my voice when I look through those Little Free Libraries.
A watched pot may never boil, but a boiled watch makes time a thing of the past.
Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have.
Stop being passive-aggressive. You know who you are.
This year’s been so bad, my antidepressants tried to throw themselves down the drain.
The dentist wanted to know if my teeth hurt, so I bit him.
I like learning new things on Wikipedia. And even if an article has been edited and isn't true, that's ok–I like spreading rumors, too.
They say you can't reinvent the wheel, but what would you call a Lazy Susan?
For my next trick, I will replace calories lost hiking with this bag of chips.
I hope to die doing what I love: Creating content.
I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.
If time travel isn’t possible, then how on God’s green earth do you explain Colonial Williamsburg?
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Idle feet are the devil’s kink.
I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.
I'm so proud of my son for starting his lemonade stand. How many kids put in the work to launder stolen lunch money?
It was the best of rhymes, it was the worst of fives.