Me: If memory serves me correctly–
Memory: I DON'T WORK FOR ANYONE.
It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.
A lot of people think that because I’m blonde I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant, but the truth is I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant because I have a liberal arts degree and an inflated sense of self-worth.
If a gym teacher blows his whistle in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did he still wish with that breath that he hadn't peaked as co-captain of the 8th grade wrestling team?
Oh, so when roosters wake up and immediately start screaming it’s “nature” but when I do it it’s “disturbing”?
Thinking about the time when I was 5 and my dad told me to give a fake name to the clown at my birthday party because “nobody needs to know your business.”
What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”
For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.
Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.
— Ben Wink
Working Titles for Covid Summers:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer
Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.
Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.
None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.
I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.
Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*
I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.
Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”
The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.
Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.
I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”