I don't have what it takes to be a kleptomaniac.
— Jon Aron
When I was a boy I asked my father, “Why do they describe life as a circle?” He turned to me and smiled warmly. “Because it's pointless, son.”
Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.— Jon Aron
Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!
Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.
Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.
“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.
As an adult, you still have unrealistic dreams and aspirations. When you were a child you'd say, “I want to be an astronaut” to any grown-up who would listen. Now you say, “I want to be happy” to an apathetic pet or coworker who wishes you were both dead.
Sock puppeteers probably start at ankle socks and work their way up.
Studying Bantu languages is tough at first, but eventually it just clicks.
I could never get a dog because you need to walk them no matter the whether. But people with dogs always say to me, “I love how my dog gets me out of the house no matter the weather, and it’s spelled ‘weather,’ idiot.”
“This isn't my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.
I want a trench coat so other writers will take me seriously and flashers will see me as competition.
Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I'll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”
Camouflage is great because it hides the people I already want to avoid.
There’s a lot of nepotism in the Zamboni driving industry.
Thank you, low-sodium hot dogs, for accommodating the health-conscious people who buy tubed meat.
How many fanboys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The problem is, he'll refuse to take the bulb out of the box because then it “won't be worth anything.”
“Kiss Me Thru the Phone” wasn't about phone sex, it was about how your relationship with your parents automatically gets better when you move far far away.
Make-up artist on Instagram live: So if you have any questions, leave them in the comments!
Me: *lowers hand*