Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe? Well yeah. No one's visited us yet.
“Gimme an ice cream sundae. Make it a double.”
–Child detective
When life gives you lemons, resell them as “rare, heirloom, organic, locally-sourced citrus produce.”
Just because I’m racially ambiguous doesn’t mean you have to guess.
Between texting and calling, I prefer showing up at your door to see the look on your face when you tell me you’re not home.
God reminds me of my ex. Why? He expects us to be only with him while he is with everyone.
Here at the Hampton Inn, hospitality is our priority! Our hotel is your home. Now answer me this, would you leave 30 soaking wet hand towels on the bathroom floor of your home?
I will be retiring soon and living on a fixed income, which is great, because I've been on a broken one for years.
Every day I tell my husband how happy he is.
They say you should never meet your heroes. That's why I've never met my dad.
My therapist is writing a book about narcissism, and I'm pretty sure the whole thing is about me.
I’m not jealous of our dog, but would it kill my wife to say “Good boy!” when I poop?
Business idea: HelloFresh, but the meal is already cooked and it's pizza.
When you get Botox, you don’t appear more youthful, you just look like a person who can afford Botox.
You can lead a horse to a bar, but you can’t make it buy you a drink.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to be crushed by it, did it miss an opportunity?
A good friendship must be earned. A true, lasting friendship must be purchased.
My knowledge of Greek history is my Archimedes heel.
—First name?
—Jeff.
—Surname?
—Sir Jeff.
Magician: Pick a card, any card!
Me: (picks a birthday card)
Magician: (tearfully) You remembered.