Life & Culture Jokes

What if there's another set of teeth after the permanent teeth, but no one has ever lived long enough to find out?

— Luís Leal Miranda, @luislealmiranda

When I was a kid, I hoped I would own a Ferrari someday. Now that I'm an adult, I hope I would get run over by a guy driving a Ferrari someday.

— Ronnie Smith

Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those with rich parents.

— Nic Nikcevic, @nicnikcevic

Honestly, “good and evil” seems like, if it’s that extreme, should be “GREAT and evil.”

— Angelo Maneage, @angeelio

STREET SMARTS
Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a fork to a knife fight.
Never bring a spoon to a fork fight.
Never bring a whisk to a spoon fight.
Never bring an egg to a whisk fight.
Never bring a grape to an egg fight.

— Steve Wyatt

Now that my eye infection is gone, I have a nfecton.

— Steve Wyatt

I started writing notes to self, but I gave up because I never wrote back.

— Jeff Bender, @jeffbendernet

It's crazy how divided this world has become since Pangea.

— Nathaniel Brown, @nalexanderhello

I'm built different. Worse.

— Nathaniel Brown, @nalexanderhello

Any restaurant is a drive-thru if you're a bad enough driver.

— John-Clark Levin, @johnclarklevin

“I say, Sherlock, how is it that you seem to pay no taxes?”
“Deduction, my dear Watson.”

— John-Clark Levin, @johnclarklevin

I’m bringing back letter writing. Sending one letter a week to a random person for 26 weeks. I’m on “K”, they're all different. The random person is Emilio Estevez, who you might remember as Coach Bombay in the 1992 movie The Mighty Ducks.

— Mitchell Reed

I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.

— Phil Healy, @phealings

I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.

— Phil Healy, @phealings

How come we can DRIVE on a PARKway but I can’t PARK my ASS in your HOT tub just because I don’t LIVE here or KNOW you?

— James Folta, @jamesfolta

If you die on a picnic, you die in real life.

— James Folta, @jamesfolta

I’m the Michael Jordan of softly saying “okay” to myself 75+ times per day.

— James Folta, @jamesfolta

The Electric Slide sounds like some sort of torture device, which also happens to be the way I view dancing.

— Geoffrey Ross, @grossenblatt

I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”

— Jeff Bender, @jeffbendernet

Veganism is fine, but some people take it too far. I know one vegan who won't even say cheese for a picture.

— John-Clark Levin, @johnclarklevin