I’ve been a cereal stocker for a while at my local grocery store. The pay is okay, but it makes for a terrible introduction when I go on first dates.

— Gaspare Marsala

People look at me funny when I tell them I'm color blind. I'm not a freak. I still get turned on by peacocks!

— Mark Oliver,

I don’t know if my blood has a type. I’ve never let it date anyone.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

Boy, are you serotonin because I just don’t get you.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

I should have known Waldo would disappear on me like that. There were so many red and white flags.

— Taylor Owen

Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.

— Carter Deems

*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.

— Christine Eno McMahon,

My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.

— Olivia Wootton,

They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.

— Will Dobbling,

All dating is carbon dating.

— John Alejandro King,

I asked my wife to get better about communicating her feelings, so she started making regular adjustments to my life insurance coverage.

— Karl Lykken

After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.

— Emma Murphy

I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

Your stripper name is the word “horny” and then your regular name.

— Collin Colson

Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.

— Jared Flood,

My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.

— John Alejandro King,

Partly cloudy is just the sky announcing it has commitment issues.

— Sullivan Finlay,

(putting my finger to the lips of diabetes medicine Jardiance®) Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at “rare but serious bacterial infection that causes damage to tissue under the skin in the area between and around your anus and genitals (perineum).”

— Logan Corcoran,

Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.

— Steve Wyatt