One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a joke »
I never pay full price for designer perfume when I can buy generic. That's just common scents.
I saw a guy throw a trash can into a dumpster. Is that cannibalism?
You may not believe that contractions are difficult for me to use correctly, but they’re.
Call me idealistic, but I want to live in a world where cyberbullying kills more people than heart disease.
It’s astonishing how much time I spend worrying about pedophiles considering they haven’t thought about me in years.
I've made some mistakes, but I'm sure, with some effort, I can repeat most of them.
Scam alert: A salon sold me a pricey shampoo for thinning hair, which has only made it thicker.
When a dog licks a stranger's face on a walk, they get adored. When I do the same thing on a walk, all I get is “arrested!”
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
The only validation I seek is from parking attendants.
We’re thinking Telenovela if it’s a girl, True Crime if it’s a boy.
Leatherface was always outshined by his fabulous cousin, Patent Leatherface.
Believe it or not, the modern word “wedding” actually derives from the common Old English phrase “we did a thing.”
Potential ridesharing company for teens: Uberty.
I don’t mind my doctor using a little hammer to test my reflexes, but are the little nails necessary?
Sorry for my smelling mistakes.
You can find my writing in my journals, but please don't.
The Home Shopping Network is always saying “Operators are standing by,” and I'm like, “Finish the fucking sentence.”
I’m an anesthesiologist by day and a ventriloquist with a sedated patient by night.
I hate when people say Frankenstein's penis when they really mean Frankenstein's Monster's penis.
I think D.A.R.E. would have been more effective if it were called Double Dog D.A.R.E.