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Do dogs know they have bones inside them?
I don't know who needs to hear this right now, which is why I'm shouting it as loud as possible inside this Chipotle.
If you want to be an expert on the Middle Ages, you really gotta know yore shit.
It's kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There's “who,” of course. There's “how.” Ah, maybe it's just two.
It is so rude to fall asleep during a meeting. It's like we get it, you “have a life,” you don't need to rub it in.
I saw a kid wearing a shirt that says “cousins make the best friends.” Great job to those parents for telling the world your kid has no friends.
I suffer from a disease called “resting approachable face.” It’s like “resting bitch face” but instead of people thinking I’m upset, they think I’d be willing to take a picture of their family.
My uncle always said, “Don't be the hero.” So I didn't pull the fire alarm.
Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to read a WHOLE book to judge it?
If you've ever used the word “heretofore” in conversation, you've purchased something from a haberdashery.
Prison is just the most advanced level of escape room.
Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it– Whoa, whoa. Not THAT much.
Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.
I heard minimalism reduces stress, but I've been worrying myself sick since I cleared out my bank account.
Want to write haiku
Don't have any ideas
Try again later
I’m vegan which means when I go out to eat with my family I get something with tofu instead of the respect of my grandfather.
The drum: sounds' trampoline.
Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?
I really need to stop spelling “Colledge” with a “D”. Looks bad on my resume.
Hack: I updated my LinkedIn headline to “Visual Storyteller” and was instantly recruited by Rooms To Go.