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I guess I'm going to have to be the one to produce the Scarface prequel, Scabface.
My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.
I'm glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.
They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.
All dating is carbon dating.
For my next trick, I will replace calories lost hiking with this bag of chips.
Just because I wore all denim to a wedding doesn't mean I'm down with Mumford & Sons.
I hope to die doing what I love: Creating content.
I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.
If time travel isn’t possible, then how on God’s green earth do you explain Colonial Williamsburg?
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Idle feet are the devil’s kink.
I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.
I asked my wife to get better about communicating her feelings, so she started making regular adjustments to my life insurance coverage.
Funny men attract hot women and funny women attract hate comments on Twitter.
Realty advice: rather than “haunted,” try “talkative” or “in high spirits.”
I'm so proud of my son for starting his lemonade stand. How many kids put in the work to launder stolen lunch money?
It was the best of rhymes, it was the worst of fives.
After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me once, I’m still learning how sequencing works.
September 31 was the day I realized I needed a calendar.