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I'm going out on a limb, preferably my legs.
The worst part about being blonde is that people assume you’re having fun.
“That’s show biz, kid,” I whisper to myself after making yet another decision I know will make my life worse but definitely more interesting.
“I can fix him,” says the vet, examining my new pet Rottweiler who ruthlessly humps anything in his path.
Some call it self-loathing, I call it empathizing with the people who know me.
Say what you will about the Large Hadron Collider, but it keeps particle physicists off the streets.
Explaining the symbols on a map is the stuff of legends.
I’m constantly asked how to build wealth—and it’s simple: have parents who consistently outperform the S&P 500.
I'm a big believer in fairness. For example, I believe that if Air Bud can play basketball, then Larry Bird should be allowed to live in my yard and drink from my toilet.
My son was bitten by a mouse and now he really likes cheese. This could be the worst superhero origin story ever.
I got in trouble at work for posting pictures of my wife naked. Next time I'll at least wear sweatpants.
My job is very cool. (I build snow forts.)
Things have gotten so bad that I'm now putting coffee in my coffee.
Whoever said “brevity is the soul of wit” never heard my lesser-known belief that in fact, the opposite of brevity (lengthy, meandering wordiness) may truly be at the heart of what many people, such as myself, think of as humorous joke-telling.
I'm officially moving all of my hours from Daylight Savings to Daylight Checking and spending time like there's no tomorrow.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” has never had their head impaled by a javelin.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
The best jam: strawberry
The worst jam: toe— Betsy Holt, @BetsyGHolt
The supply shortage is so bad this year kids won’t be getting razor blades in their candy until mid-February.
I have a degree in climate change, and in ten years it turns into two degrees.
I don't go thrift shopping, I go good will hunting.