One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a joke »
I’ve considered working at a new company. I’ve even considered working at my current company.
Shouldn't it be kidnabbing? Either way, to answer your question: Not Guilty, your honor.
When I did those alcohol safety modules for college, I was disgusted by reading about drinking. I told myself I've got to stop and I did. I'm proud to say I haven't read a single thing since.
My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”
As I get older, I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.
Call Me By Your Name sounds like an un-filled-out Mad Libs prompt.
Flashers don’t get paid. They just do it for the exposure.
The older you get, the better you get (at lying to yourself).
(putting my finger to the lips of diabetes medicine Jardiance®) Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at “rare but serious bacterial infection that causes damage to tissue under the skin in the area between and around your anus and genitals (perineum).”
What kind of world is it that shorts are not half the price of pants?
When you go to the office, you shouldn't have to leave your morals at the door. Your employer should provide a secure storage space in your cubicle.
The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.
My willingness to use words I don't know is truly plaintiff.
Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I actually find words, tone of voice, and agitated looks really hurtful, too. Come to think of it, there are many ways to hurt me.
I don’t mean to brag, but I make everything look much harder than it is.
Law Professor: Do you know all the amendments?
Me: I plead the seventh.
“Writers of the future” sound like a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me.
Bartender: And are you over 21, young man?
Me: Pffffft, please, I was born over 21.
When I die I want to be buried at sea, because it seems like a big headache for everyone involved.