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A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.
Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.
I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.
I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.
“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.
The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”
One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.
I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.
When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?
I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.
— Mark Peters, @wordlust
I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.
Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.
2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”
“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer
Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.
My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.
When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.
I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.
We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?
— Susan Sassi, @sassers_
“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.