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You know what Kant said, so no point repeating it.

My grandparents grew up in the Depression. I grew up in the anxiety.

I can see why they went for the brand name “Superdry”—“Arid” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.

They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.

If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.

Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.

A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.

Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.

I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.

I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.

“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.

When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?

I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.

I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.

Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.

2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”