FEEL THE PAIN IN YOUR BICYCLE LANE WHILE I DRIVE BY PRAYING FOR RAIN
Your Majesty, what I’m saying is that I am a worrier---all I do all day long is worry about every little thing that could possibly go wrong.
These are the party animals who travel cross-country to see every footnote in person.
You need to make a tricky left turn. You’re filing your taxes for a year during which you lived in multiple states.
It’s O.K, everybody has a different definition of success! Yours just seems remarkably close to failure.
How do you respond to claims that your true identity is Speaker Guy and your do-good speaker smashing is a ruse to crank up speaker demand?
Focus, Bob. Just you and the ball. Crap. Fore!
Top 5 Worst Places to Be Shot
1. The Gap
2. The hip
3. In line for the waterslide (near top)
4. The Head… and the Heart revival tour
5. During a traffic stop on your way to an interview at The Gap
How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic.
I always put my coffee grounds in the compost pile. I like the idea of keeping those damn raccoons up all day.
Obviously, not eating tacos isn’t an option, so here’s some helpful ways to hide your undignified devouring.
I don’t let my face betray what I’m beholding because I’m a pro, and I like to maintain an air of mystery, but sometimes it’s just like, yeesh.
Shipbuilders? Fishermen? Coal Barons? Seals? Furniture Makers?
I, Your Ratty Underwear, give my consent to die a natural death.
