Sitting here at my mundane job, pretending to be busy, while looking at some of the sickest things ever to grace the internet, somehow I remain strangely unfulfilled. One would think that getting paid to see so much free porn that you start recognizing the crossover stars in so-called "reality porn" is the modern version of the American Dream, but I still have this nagging feeling in Read More »

If you are a girl, and are less than average in the looks department, your options are drastically narrowed. In college, inner beauty clearly has as much use as a book on how to read, at least as far as getting laid goes. So what options are left to those of us who are ugly ducklings with stunted growth and no hope of reaching the ever elusive swan-ville?

You can either: Read More »

Sometimes you just feel the need to punch somebody. And if you follow that impulse, there's a job that let's you live your fantasy. But boxing involves a lot of training, dieting and overall effort. Skip all that; grab a clipboard and become a bouncer.

Besides punching people, here are some of the benefits of standing at the door: Read More »

Principal Billingsley: Class, settle down. Settle down now. Unfortunately, your teacher Mrs. Hoover is sick today.

Class: Awww! Read More »

In Latin, "cerebellum" means "little brain," but seeing as though something as small as the tip of your dick is more or less the source of all pleasure in the world, being "little" doesn't mean a whole lot. Read More »

Has this ever happened to you? You go down to the basement for yet another "final confrontation" with the fiend that has taken over your life. There it is: the brain in the jar--the brain you've been keeping alive with liquid nutrients. Attached to it are lots of wires connected to all this fancy lab stuff.  One wire is even connected to a speaker so the damned thing can talk to you. Do this! Do that! Obey me! All it ever does is give you orders. Read More »

John Adams: Mr. President, we got word that a stage coach was captured by terrorists on its way to New York, 5 days ago.

George Washington: 5 days ago? Why would I care about something that happened 5 days ago? Read More »

I thought I walked comfortably along the line between good and bitch. Then I began to question these feelings I've been having. They're not good per se, but they're some of the truest I've ever felt. Like, when I see a limb topped with Croc footwear I want to grab a chainsaw. Nothing major. Read More »

I add you because you're my friend.

Then I add her because she knows my friend, and we met at a party. Read More »

The tale of Noah's Ark is as widely known as a story that includes the destruction of all mankind and a 135-meter boat filled with animal poo.  But, like most ancient chronicles of history, its merits are under scrutiny. Read More »

Before I get into Qing Fo, the Chinese Squid Woman, there are a couple of matters I want to deal with. Read More »

A year or two ago I had the illustrious job of being a cashier at a movie chain that has now declared bankruptcy and closed down. There were several incidents leading up to my resignation, and this is one of those stories. Read More »

I don't know what you're talking about man, I'm not holding. I don't even know what holding means. But if I did know what it means, and if I were in fact doing it (which is not to be taken to mean that I am) I would be holding the best stuff you've ever seen. Read More »

Dear Diary,

I supermanned with salty nuts in my mouth.

Some textual vomit cannot be foreseen. Read More »