Sitting here at my mundane job, pretending to be busy, while looking at some of the sickest things ever to grace the internet, somehow I remain strangely unfulfilled. One would think that getting paid to see so much free porn that you start recognizing the crossover stars in so-called "reality porn" is the modern version of the American Dream, but I still have this nagging feeling in Read More »

If you are a girl, and are less than average in the looks department, your options are drastically narrowed. In college, inner beauty clearly has as much use as a book on how to read, at least as far as getting laid goes. So what options are left to those of us who are ugly ducklings with stunted growth and no hope of reaching the ever elusive swan-ville?

You can either: Read More »

I thought I walked comfortably along the line between good and bitch. Then I began to question these feelings I've been having. They're not good per se, but they're some of the truest I've ever felt. Like, when I see a limb topped with Croc footwear I want to grab a chainsaw. Nothing major. Read More »

I add you because you're my friend.

Then I add her because she knows my friend, and we met at a party. Read More »

Dear Summer Internship:

First of all I want to thank you for giving me something to do during the daytime.  My chronic masturbation was pushing the limits of absurdity and there are only so many episodes of Hogan's Heroes you can watch while high.  That being said, I have to address a few issues that have developed in the past few weeks of working here. Read More »

I wish I was funny. I wish I could write something so earth-shatteringly hilarious that an AIDS-ridden Darfurian rape victim would bust their gut. From laughing, not from AIDS. God, that would be so sweet. Read More »

I can be a douchebag sometimes. I will be the first to admit it. I get drunk or drugged out, and make bad decisions. You might say, "But John, doesn't every college kid do this?" The answer is yes, they do. But the difference between them and me is a fit in this rare category where you don't experience regret. Read More »

When Al Gore invented the Internet, not even he could possibly have fathomed all of the wonderful things that it would soon give us. And I'm not just talking about downloading all of Nickelback's old albums for free. I mean, who the hell would want to do that? Read More »

Handshakes: the most important part of meeting a new person. This small gesture can literally make or break a relationship from the very beginning. We've all been victims of a bad shake, whether it's too weak, too strong, or the grab is poorly timed and as a result the grip suffers terminally. You can tell a lot about a person from the defects in their handshaking. Read More »

One of the little joys of reaching puberty was the moment we all discovered we were becoming wildebeests controlled by hormones. To most men, this is a very important ritual that begins with a 7th grade school video. Read More »

After recently parting ways with an ex, I've realized just how strange the concept of monogamy is to us men. Women will never truly understand exactly how we view this in our mind. Read More »