Principal Billingsley: Class, settle down. Settle down now. Unfortunately, your teacher Mrs. Hoover is sick today.

Class: Awww! Read More »

Has this ever happened to you? You go down to the basement for yet another "final confrontation" with the fiend that has taken over your life. There it is: the brain in the jar--the brain you've been keeping alive with liquid nutrients. Attached to it are lots of wires connected to all this fancy lab stuff.  One wire is even connected to a speaker so the damned thing can talk to you. Do this! Do that! Obey me! All it ever does is give you orders. Read More »

John Adams: Mr. President, we got word that a stage coach was captured by terrorists on its way to New York, 5 days ago.

George Washington: 5 days ago? Why would I care about something that happened 5 days ago? Read More »

Before I get into Qing Fo, the Chinese Squid Woman, there are a couple of matters I want to deal with. Read More »

I don't know what you're talking about man, I'm not holding. I don't even know what holding means. But if I did know what it means, and if I were in fact doing it (which is not to be taken to mean that I am) I would be holding the best stuff you've ever seen. Read More »

Good morning students, this is Principal Tomlinson. It's Monday and the current time is 6:15 AM. Here are today's announcements. Read More »

I'll tell you what I'm looking forward to most about becoming a complete degenerate: exposing my children to my heinous lifestyle.

By the time I even have kids, I'll be sucking down so many of those fentanyl lozenges that it'll look like I'm addicted to otter pops.

"Daddy, why aren't you wearing lipstick today?" Read More »

Thank you all for coming.  I called this press conference because I felt it necessary to clear the air regarding incidents that took place on Friday June 27^th, 2008.  First off, as treasurer of FMS I would like to say that my actions are in no way representative of this fine establishment as a whole Read More »

For the first installation of "An Increasingly Drunk Guy at a Party Reviews Movies," we present a review of an old favorite: Independence Day. Read More »

After years of insomnia, I decided to analyze my sleeping problems a little more closely. Foolishly, I decided to do this at 3am rather than in the afternoon. I concluded that, "I am awake at 3am because I am analyzing the reasons why I am awake at 3am." Read More »

District Attorney: The State calls Rayshawn Goldfarb.

Goldfarb: It's an honor to be sitting here, next to the judge.

DA: You are here to answer some questions about what you saw on the night of June 12. Do you recall what you were doing that evening? Read More »

Hello my friend. My name is Alp, and my friend is Os. We come from Turkey. We have one question for you my friend. We would like to ask in private. You have a grass pipe, dude, man? Read More »

Hey sweetheart, how are you? How is everything? Aww, I love you so much! I'm so ready to start our life together! You are the light of my life, my sunshine. I don't know what I'd do without you, baby. You are my reason to live, my everything. Read More »

To the members of AYSO team "Green Dragons,"

It has come to my attention that a number of you have had your penis and testicles touched by assistant coach Nick.  First of all, let me say sorry to all those whom Nick touched on the penis or testicles. Read More »

Well, let's get down to it, shall we? New president. November ‘08. This, I guess, is good, because I've heard that the one we have now is kind of shitty. I wouldn't know, I've never met the guy. Just kidding. We're BFF's and yeah, he's a dumbass. Read More »