By contributing writer James White
Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and for those of you who participated in the festivities, it is my hope that you also came, and promptly left. Sadly, hope is often not enough. I’m sure there are a fair number of guys out there who poured their hearts into Valentine’s Day, searched through every boy-band song, poem, and movie available for that one, perfectly cheesy line. These are the people who were talking to their girlfriend’s friends, looking for the perfect gift, perusing jewelry stores and florists, making scrapbooks and buying puppies. However, after all this hard work is done, these poor shmucks are often lucky to be left with enough energy to rub one out to LimeWired porn. Many are left down and out, with light wallets and heavy balls. You might be asking, how can we fix this problem? The answer is simple: by celebrating man’s counter-holiday, Steak & Blowjob Day.
“So, how do you wanna do this… steak, blowjob, steak, blowjob? Or…”
Steak & Blowjob Day is a holiday designed to balance out the gender inequalities of Valentine’s Day. It’s a simple truth that Valentine’s Day is essentially for the ladies. It’s a test of relationships, a day when men are required to reassure their ladies that they are in it for more than just the sex. For most guys, this might involve some “half-truths” about how much they “care,” but fear not, because thankfully, Hallmark has your back on this one.
Steak & Blowjob Day was created in 2002 by radio disc jockey Tom Birdsey for the Providence, RI radio station 103.7 FNX. The holiday was originally slated to take place on March 20th, but the date was revised to more directly coincide with Valentine’s Day, and the official date is March 14th. The holiday is spreading faster than a pledging freshman, and is now included in various dictionaries and calendars, plus websites that offer merchandise, streak recipes, and fellatio technique guides.
The most popular entry on UrbanDictionary.com explains Steak & Blowjob Day as follows: “Celebrated on March 14th, Steak and Blowjob Day is a holiday for men, celebrated the month after Valentine's Day — a holiday for women. The idea is simple: no cards, flowers, candy or other whimsical gifts. Ladies (and gay men), you simply bestow your partner with a steak and a blowjob. Not necessarily in that order.
Dave: “Hey Bob, what did Sally get you for Steak and Blowjob Day?”
Bob: “Well Dave, that would be a big juicy steak, and a big juicy blowjob.””
Now we move on to what is expected. Granted, it’s pretty simple, steak and a blowjob. Assuming you ladies can follow a recipe and get over a gag reflex, there is really no way to screw this up. That being said, there are a few choices to be made. What comes first, the steak or the blowjob? Well, that’s really up to the girl, but try to make it interesting. You could try giving the meal and the blowjob at the same time; you could incorporate some road head, dress up like Catwoman, or even the pink Power Ranger. It doesn’t matter. Different is exciting. Bring along a friend, or an identical twin sister, whatever. If your Valentine bent over backwards for you, then this is your chance to bend over for him.
The existence and observance of both Valentine’s Day and Steak & Blowjob Day are essential to the equilibrium of the modern social scene. Spending the holidays with someone makes him or her feel like part of your family. Whether you’re passing the gravy bowl at Thanksgiving or the Buddha bowl on 420, sharing a holiday brings people together.
There is a longstanding mantra about the nature of dating: “Girls fake orgasms, guys fake relationships.” As awesome of a t-shirt slogan as that is, it’s not the ideal situation that anyone would like to be in. Women need Valentine’s Day to evaluate their partners. Any tool can buy a Christmas present, and put a reminder in their PDA for a birthday and anniversary. Women need a real test, that’s why they made Valentine’s Day. Men have to show that they love their women, not with one present, one meal, or one bouquet of flowers, but with a culmination of all the cliché crap they’ve learned from years of being subjected to “romantic comedies.” It’s very hard to pull off the perfect timing of dim lighting, chauffeured driving, and muff diving without some hint of true feelings. Women know this, and they expect to be swept off their feet on this annual occasion.
Now if men are going to play into this fairy tale, it’s only fair that they get some tail in return. Men may be known for faking feelings, but so are women. Men have submitted to woman’s relationship sincerity trials for centuries; now it’s time to turn the table (or get under it) and partake in man’s perennial sexual performance test. It’s pretty hard for men to analyze the forthrightness of the female orgasm due to a mix of arrogance, alcohol, and apathy. Therefore, men analyze sexual realness from the only perspective that matters: the penile one. Aside from that, we expect some dinner. It has long been stated that the way to a man’s heart is through his penis and his stomach.
Valentine’s Day requires men to show their ladies that they are creative, compassionate, and caring. In order to keep making memories, women need to be reminded that their partners are marriage material. Steak & Blowjob Day is an opportunity for women to show their men that they are sultry and seductive sword-swallowers, the caliber whose culinary creations rival their cum cravings. In order for men to keep going through the motions, they need decadent filet and deep fellatio.
Oh and ladies, one last tip. I recommend that the steak be rare, and the blowjob well done, because lets face it, if the blowjobs are rare, I wouldn’t count on making it to next Valentine’s Day. Not to be shallow, but men really are in it for more than just the sex. We’re also in it for the blowjobs.