Tito: So, the bitch gets drunk before she has to go to talk to the state attorney.
Me: Why?
Tito: She said it would help my case.
Me: Why would she think that?
Tito: Man, if you ask that every time I tell you some dumb shit that she does, these conversations are gonna be unnecessarily long.
Me: Dug.
Tito: Huh? Read More »

Of the many amateur hobbies I have, photography is one of my favorites. I realize that being forced to look at other peoples' rookie photography is the second worst thing ever, next to being forced to look at other peoples' poo. This, of course, is up for debate. Read More »

It's funny listening to American representatives condemn Russia for invading an oil-rich country without first consulting the UN.  It's like that one time growing up when my dad caught me drinking whiskey while he was drunk.  The ensuing lecture didn't really take. 

I don't know about you, but I was just shocked to learn that China's government could be less than honest about its representat Read More »

Is it me or do all black twins look alike?

Not trying to be racist here, you know, but how do Chinese people get contacts in their eyes?

It's no wonder Japanese people have a different slant on the world, right?

If an Eskimo bakes a pie, is it ever hot? Read More »

Hi, PIC Folk. I'm back, and I don't know the ins and outs of the new site yet, though I gotta hand it to Court and his tireless team of emaciated techno-chimps for turning out this polished little gem.

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I've submitted my fair share of cheesy essays and inflated resumes during high school and college to try to get scholarships. But something tells me that as the cost of college tuition keeps going up to ridiculous amounts, kids are going to start making stranger and more desperate attempts to get help (in the form of money). Especially because people are morons to begin with.
Read More »

I love the Olympics, don't get me wrong. But as I've been watching this week, the competitors have been making me feel pretty bad about myself. You understand, right? How can you bare witness to such a shining display of athletic prowess and not feel a little bit lazy and fat? Read More »

You know the drill. Answer as a comment. Read More »

What’s that? You and your new boyfriend are breaking up? Has it been two months already? Wow. How the time flies. So, you know who you’re voting for?

For what? For President of the United States. For the kit and the caboodle. For the right to drive the expensive sports car that is the United States of America. Certainly you knew that? Read More »

Me: It’s cool that you’re taking me to hang out with your dad.
Peek: Yeah man, thanks for coming. He really wants to see you again.
Me: Wait. He really wants to see me?
Peek: I know, it’s strange. Usually it’s only pissed off ex-boyfriends and stupid MILFs that want to see you. But I guess you can add an old man with ALS to the list. Read More »

(Just in case you forgot what I looked like and where I live) Read More »

As September approaches, I've started to think about how I'll miss the small town mentality and makeshift amusement of shoreline hoi polloi when I'm back in the city. But then Friday night occurred, and I realized that's all bullshit. If I spend much more time with my home friends, I am going to lose an eye or a limb. AT LEAST. Read More »

I was tripping on acid
At a Russian restaurant
In an upscale strip mall
Waiting on a friend
For a ride home
When I heard the news.

I walked outside
To look at the cloudless evening sky
And spotted a dark-haired girl
In a sundress
Dripping tears on the concrete ground.

I said nothing.

She looked up at me
And said, “He’s gone.”
And then she sang, Read More »

I never realized I wanted to put a fucking bullet through my head.

It never occurred to me that I wanted to drive a fucking stake through my heart.

But by the time I realized I wanted to, Brett Favre had already done it for me. Or maybe Ted "Faggot" Thompson and the rest of the Packers management did it for me. Read More »

"They're not doing this with smoke and mirrors.  This is a talented ball club."

            --Mike Lowell (Boston Red Sox) on the Rays Read More »