(KC rides the luxurious subway to Midtown during a beautiful NYC morning.)

NOSE: It smells icky.

JUNK: Eyes, check out that girl's ass. Yeah, yeah. Good. Brain, save it. Oh look, she's turning around. Get ready to... Read More »

Hey black people. What up?

Listen, I'm at my wit's end here. Please, I'm begging you, stay out of my dreams and nightmares. I've asked you time and time again, but for some reason you will not listen. I've gone up to some of you on the street and asked you sternly to exit my dreams immediately. And to make it snappy. I told you to pass the word on to the rest of your black brethren. Read More »

Sometimes I'll write a stupid joke in this column and a reader will accuse me of being racist. Actually, I've been defending that charge for years, not that my parents, opposing lawyers, and local migrant workers have been able to build a strong case. The truth is, all races are cool with me, but I reserve the right to find stereotypes funny in perpetuity. Read More »

Okay, I confess, I watched The American Mall, but I didn't enjoy myself. Read More »

You may not know it, but my skin is home to some of the most amazing tattoos you've never seen. Unless you've seen me naked; then you've seen them. When I wear shorts or a tank top people compliment me all the time. They think I'm a geek, but I hear a lot of good things.

And before you ask questions, here are the answers: Read More »

As I was walking through the University Center today, I walked past two strollers, unguarded, outside of the university store.

I thought to myself...I could steal those babies.

I could steal those babies and we could go play in the sunshine and dance together and have a picnic and make fun of each other and all the other things friends do (...right?). Read More »

Way the hell back a long time ago, a lot of people never even thought about having sex with their video game systems (and by "a lot of people" I most certainly don't mean me. Just ask my strangely moist Atari 2600). Read More »

We thought he was! We totally thought the guy who burst into the bank with a loaded gun and yelled "EVERYBODY ON THE FUCKING GROUND OR I'LL SHOOT" was joking. But if he insists on one thing, it's that he's not. And "MORE MONEY FASTER FASTER FASTER, BITCH." Read More »

Dirty Mike and I only enforced one rule when we were home: no shirts. Now let me say this once: my former roommate and I both really like vaginas and not man-ass. But while we were home we just liked to walk around without t-shirts. Mind you, we never chilled out naked, except for the times we'd catch each other banging chicks. Read More »

When can uber-hobbit Vern Troyer be lumped into a category with luminescent stars like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Colin Farrell and even Marilyn Monroe? When we're talking about celebrity sex tapes of course! Each one of these glittering bungholes has starred in their very own sex tape! Read More »

Upon his throne of white he sat,
Thinking of pleasures he'd never felt,
For though many times the boy had shat,
He'd never done it while a lady knelt.

He wondered what it must be like
To drop the kids off at the pool.
He'd wondered since he was but a tyke
How it would feel with a girl's mouth on his tool. Read More »

As college-ish age types, many of you have your rituals to kick off the weekend. Some of mine used to include tossing exploding bottles filled with urine off of balconies, or dressing up in my gorilla costume, but now I'm a working stiff. Read More »

Women need to be categorized.  They are screaming out to be categorized.  They're practically begging for some dashing, daring, charming, sexy, hunk of man to come along and tell them what he thinks of them and how they should think of themselves.  Fortunately for you guys, I am such a man.  Read More »

The world is split into many different factions depending upon how you choose to divvy it up. A few of these issues catalyze people to a degree that allow for little or no middle ground when things are said and done. It is within the confines of these highly volatile subjects that the world's true nemeses are formed: East vs. West, Liberals vs. Conservatives, Men vs. Women, Autobots vs. Read More »

Close all the windows in your bathroom. Re-plumb the pipes so your sewage heats up and shoots from your shower head. Turn on all the taps releasing full-heated doodoo water. Throw up a few times and leave some old Ethiopian food and fried chicken to fester.

Is it hot? Is it disgusting? Does it smell bad? Good, you're almost there. Read More »