From the time we are sprung from the vaginal walls of our mothers' wombs, girls are conditioned to believe that beauty translates into being thin. In fact, to quote Kate Moss (the woman who brought us the term "heroin chic"), "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Clearly, girl has never had a McRib.
The average size of a woman in the United States is 14 (I'd convert this for my foreign readers, but I'm American and therefore think the world should revolve around me and my out-dated measurement system). We all share this "thin is in" mentality, despite the fact that two-thirds of us are overweight. It's such a double-standard, too. If I have to see one more sitcom with a fat guy/skinny wife combo, I'm going to… well, again, I'm American and therefore lazy, so I'm probably going to complain a lot and then eat a bag of Fritos before passing out in a pool of my own vomit, after washing the Fritos down with a Miller Lite…or twelve.
Where am I going with this? No, seriously. Where am I going with this? I'm writing this article at a Starbucks and a hot guy just walked in and now I've lost my train of thought.
Some people might also call me curvy. This is just because I have big boobs though. Anyone with big boobs is called curvy.
Oh! My point is, beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. And if we are ladylike enough not to complain about the fact that your penis is too small or too big (yes, there is such a thing) or that it curves too far to the left, then you should be gentlemanly enough to not complain that your woman doesn't look like Marissa Miller or Megan Fox. Trust me, if we were all getting paid millions of dollars and had trainers and nutritionists at our disposal, we'd look like that too. As it is, most of us work full-time, go to school full-time, and maybe have children (I've seen 16 & Pregnant, sometimes bastard children just happen. Who knew you could get knocked up doing it your first time, anyway?).
Now, I don't claim to be a stick by any means. In fact, if I had to choose which body type I had, athletic would be it. I'm a runner, but I also enjoy food with my dinner, so I have a pretty muscular frame. I lack what I call ITC (Inner Thigh Clearance). I mean, I could crack a walnut between these things pretty easily, but that doesn't mean they don't rub together when I walk.
I realized the true extent of this during my first marathon, in which I made the mistake of wearing shorts. I chaffed in a way that I didn't think it was possible to chaff. I walked around the following two weeks like I had just spent 24 straight hours riding bareback on a horse. Anytime my thighs touched, it burned. I asked my doctor if it was possible that I had somehow contracted Chlamydia of the inner thigh but he assured me it was just the work of skin-on-skin friction for 26.2 miles.
Some people might also call me curvy. This is just because I have big boobs though. Anyone with big boobs is called curvy.
It's misleading though, as I don't have the ba-donk-a-donk downstairs. I've learned, however, that with the right angle and camera lens, I can actually obtain that elusive hour-glass figure. I mean, sometimes you can even tell the difference between me and Kim Kardashian. For example:
You just have to learn how to dress for your body type. Even skinny girls have a hard time finding the right clothes. I know what most of you are thinking: "Those bitches are skinny, they should quit their complaining." Just like bigger girls sometimes can't help their size, smaller girls sometimes can't either.
There are three types of skinny:
1. Naturally Petite
Pretty self-explanatory. Some girls just have that magical genetic make-up that allows them to eat whatever they want and never gain an ounce. To which I say: good for you! And also, fuck you.
2. Skinny Fat
Skinny fat? Isn't that an oxymoron, Ashley? Yes, it is. However, some skinny people, because they are skinny, don't feel the need to exercise or tone up. This is called laziness. Just because I'm naturally good at masturbating doesn't mean I don't feel the need to do it daily and read up on new techniques. A fit bigger person can actually be healthier than a skinny fat person.
3. Get That Girl a Sammich
This is where the line between being skinny and having an eating disorder blur. There's thin and then there's the Lindsay Lohan diet of cigarettes and Red Bull (and cocaine, allegedly!).
Still confused? Let me help with this carefully thought-out visual aid I have constructed for you:
I don't thing any one body type is better than the others. In fact, according to my research (which consisted of me typing "men's preferred body type" into Google), men would actually rather their women have a little meat on their bones. It's all about finding that balance of a healthy lifestyle (I hate the word "diet") and exercise. I mean, don't you want to live long enough to see graduation? Your wedding? Your children? The last two installments of the Twilight franchise? (No? That's probably just me.)
So whether you're thin, average, big or somewhere in between, love yourself. Because no one will love you until you do. And by "love" I mean have sex with, because let's face it, no guy wants to have sex with some insecure girl who's too self-conscious to leave the light on.