Independence Day Activities for Dat Ass

Nathan: I can't believe how expensive fireworks are getting.  I remember when I could blow up all my sister's toys for like fifty bucks. 
Jake: Yeah, well you know the economy and--wait, what?

Fourth of July is right around the corner.  Independence Day is one of my favorite holidays because it encourages us to celebrate all that freedom we used to have before America merged with Oppression, Inc (motto: consume, assholes...mindlessly consume).  And in honor of one of my favorite holidays, I will now offer you some advice on what you should be doing this Friday to help our country celebrate the day we decided to declare that we would kick some ass and form a country a few years later so uninformed idiots wouldn't have a shit clue that our country's actual birth came much later, after some white dudes killed a bunch of other white dudes.  Which means that you're not really celebrating a birthday per se, but who gives a shit? (Paid holiday--wooo!)

Blow Some Shit Up

I've said it before, I'll continue to say it until the day I die (we're shooting for 2023 on that one by the way-I like to plan), blowing shit up is totally and awesomely ridiculously fun.  One time I threw thirty M-60's into my ex-friend Mike's grill and totally destroyed it (along with my friendship with Mike--dude, I would have bought you a replacement grill, douche).  Another time I blew up a perfectly serviceable blender just to see if I could get the glass to shatter (I could). 

Most days, this kind of vandalism is considered obscene and rude.  On Independence Day, it is considered your patriotic duty.  And you don't want to be unpatriotic.  I think it's against the law nowadays.  

Paint Everything Red, White and Blue

And I mean everything.  Your carpet.  Your walls.  Your face.  Your neighbor's dog.  Your house.  Other people's houses.  The world looks better in red, white and blue.  Oh, and if you paint something red, white and blue I think you get a tax break.  I believe it's in the Constitution or the Bible or perhaps in that one movie about Vietnam and cripples.  Anyway, these colors don't run.  Now the paint may.  But that is not the fault of the colors.  No sir. 

Barbecue Man, You Gotta Barbecue

Chicken, ribs, steaks, hamburgers, hotdogs, bratwurst, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches--if you got it, lay some sauce on that bad boy and feed everyone you even remotely like.  Afterwards, if you want, you can paint the grill red, white and blue and then blow it up (now that's definitely a tax break).

Shoot a Muslim

It's the American way. 

Give Money to a Foreigner

It's the American way. (Note: At last count, America has 43 ways.  Bonus points if you can name them all.)

Steal Some Gas

Inflation, in my opinion, is taxation without representation.  Furthermore, so are most gas taxes (note: probably not true).  Therefore, much like our rebel forefathers stole this country, you are obligated to steal it back.  One tank of gas at a time.

Watch a Baseball Game

I don't care if you find the sport slow and boring.  I don't care if you hate the concept of people making millions to play a game, and I certainly do not want to hear your opinions on steroid use.  I just want you to sit back, shut up and immerse yourself in the most poetic game in the world at least once this summer (I'm talking to you, PIC owner and renowned soccer fag, Court Sullivan). 

America used to be the greatest country in the world.  We used to have freedoms galore.  Now, well the government promised we'd get all our freedoms back once they fix that mess in the Middle East.  And if you can't believe the owners of Oppression, Inc., well, I can't blame you.  But if you can't celebrate the beauty of democracy posthumously, we'll probably never have it back.