College Quotes

"Nice. Black on black, nice tint... I wonder if their daughter's hot?"
-Ben, shopping for used cars

Ali: What is that? I can't tell if that's your penis or one of your balls.
Kevin: Keep rubbing it and you'll find out.
-Playing with moose knuckles

"At your age, you are either really engaged in the issues, or really resistant to them... or somewhere in between."
-Professor Jha

Kelvin: I've got my career figured out. I'm going to write screenplays... for action movies. It'll be easy. So, car explodes here, here, here and here, main character kills bad buys here and here with cool guns. Who gives a shit about about dialogue or plot or character?
Frank: What about a sex scene with a really hot chick?
Kelvin: Nah, girls shouldn't be in movies. Except pornos. And then, they only get to moan.
-On high octane sausagefests

"Yeah, I remember when you guys put grass and an 8 of spades in my crack."
-Edgar, remembering why he can't take naps anymore

Phil: I'm so sick and tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about!
Manny: What do you mean?
-Walking in at the wrong time

Tommy: Aww, is there a baby in there?
Bina: If that's a baby we are going to need a coat hanger.
-Rubbing his girlfriend's belly

"What did you all do this weekend? I had great sex."
-Professor Shasky, starting off the semester right

"Has everyone seen Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle? No? OK, required viewing for this class."
-Professor Jha, in an International film class

"It's like a laxative. A laxative of fear."
-Jeff, on taking ayahuasca

Bre: Well, technically he's not married anymore...
Courtney: Ok, new rule--if he's purchased a wedding band, it's probably a bad idea.
-Don't count your chickens before the ink on the divorce papers is dry

Katie: Do you even know what an antonym is?
Maria: Of course! How the fuck do you think I passed the SATs?
Katie: Don't you mean analogies?
Maria: ...Oh.
-Do you even remember your score?

"They wanted to get the brightest men and women and mate them together--oh look, you guys can all just procreate within this class! Of course, we might need some more men. Or maybe not..."
-Professor Punsalan, during a hightly gender imbalanced honors theology class

Jon: Steve works here right?
Frank: Yeah, but how the hell are we going to find him in a supermarket this huge? Wait, Steve's quarter Jew right?
Jon: Yeah.
Frank: So we drop a penny on the ground, wait for 4 times as long as a normal Jew, and Steve will show up.
-On the law of attraction

"Fuck boyfriends, you don't need them. Just stick with your pet rabbit - he'll never screw you over. Well except when he chewed through the cord on your Wii. Okay, let's say he'll never intentionally screw you over."
-Munk, unsuccessfully trying to cheer up a recently dumped friend