Dazed and Confused Quotes

Phil: I'm so sick and tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about!
Manny: What do you mean?
-Walking in at the wrong time

Tommy: Aww, is there a baby in there?
Bina: If that's a baby we are going to need a coat hanger.
-Rubbing his girlfriend's belly

Katie: Do you even know what an antonym is?
Maria: Of course! How the fuck do you think I passed the SATs?
Katie: Don't you mean analogies?
Maria: ...Oh.
-Do you even remember your score?

Jon: Frank, everything in China's fake.
Frank: You're right. Me, I'm not really Chinese, I'm Mexican.
Steve: Dude, you're not even using a Mexican accent. That's a Russian accent.
-On the importance of genuine fakery

Jason: You talk the most shit about her, but you love her to death, that's how you know it's real love.
Taylor: Ohhh... so the words "I hate her" really mean "I love her" in your sick twisted mind. You're one of those genius guys, aren't you?
-On mixed signals

"So in church yesterday the dude was like, 'Is there anything we need to pray for or ask God's grace for?' And people were like, 'So and so's in the hospital, so and so is dying, so and so has rectal cancer.' And then this chick is like, 'WE NEED TO PRAY FOR OUR ATHLETES AND THEIR SUCCESS.' And I was like 'FUCK YOU WOMAN.' But I didn't really say that. Like, it was so awkward, the way she said it. It's like me saying, 'We need to pray for Safeway employees, the way they bring us fresh produce everyday.' Like, who the fuck says that."
-Tanya, on excessive prayer

Ryan: What are you going to do?
Zac: Nothing. There's nothing I can do really. I have to respect what she wants I suppose.
Ryan: But what do you actually want?
Zac: Oh you know... rip her clothes off and fuck her senseless. And like... cuddle her and watch TV with her and play with her hair and giggle together and wake up together. Repeatedly.
Ryan: ...You mean a relationship, Zac?
-On previous unknowns

Lucas: Don't forget the weird plurals like deer.
Scott: Yeah, and bear.
Lucas: Yeah. Wait.... What?
-While teaching plurals to a foreign exchange student

Rudy: So, what are you doin' on Friday?
Jenny: Hangin' out with my sis.
Rudy: Cooooool.
Jenny: Yeah...
Rudy: You guys gonna go be short together?
-Rudy, struggling with his game

"Wait! Is it 'chink' or 'gook' when you're talking about Japs?"
-Valerie, having trouble poking fun at The Last Samurai

"You should never EVER drink under the influence of alcohol!"
-Candy, drunk and trying to lecture someone on the dangers of drunk driving

Levi: I just got this cool machine that makes iced tea automatically.
Bryant: So, what does it do?
Levi: ...IT MAKES TEA!!!
-Failing at process management

Eric: You live where?
Mike: 19th Ave Southwest.
Eric: We divided the city into quadrants now? We're that big a place?
Mike: Yeah, so? What's the big deal?
Eric: Well all this Northwest, Southwest, East-west, West-west stuff confuses me.
Mike: Clearly.
-On directional impairments

Vicki: ...So I walked into the ladies room, right? And--
Geoffrey: The important thing is is that you got the right bathroom.
Vicki: Well, I walked into the men's room, first, but I didn't think that was pertinent.
-Starting off a story on the wrong foot

Matilde: I don't care what he looks like he just has to be cute.
Jack: That made less than no sense.
Matilde: You obviously aren't high enough yet.
-On speaking the same language