Deep Thoughts Quotes

"Nice. Black on black, nice tint... I wonder if their daughter's hot?"
-Ben, shopping for used cars

Bre: Well, technically he's not married anymore...
Courtney: Ok, new rule--if he's purchased a wedding band, it's probably a bad idea.
-Don't count your chickens before the ink on the divorce papers is dry

Jon: Steve works here right?
Frank: Yeah, but how the hell are we going to find him in a supermarket this huge? Wait, Steve's quarter Jew right?
Jon: Yeah.
Frank: So we drop a penny on the ground, wait for 4 times as long as a normal Jew, and Steve will show up.
-On the law of attraction

"Fuck boyfriends, you don't need them. Just stick with your pet rabbit - he'll never screw you over. Well except when he chewed through the cord on your Wii. Okay, let's say he'll never intentionally screw you over."
-Munk, unsuccessfully trying to cheer up a recently dumped friend

Andres: I thought your garage door opener only worked from close up.
Kevin: Yeah, but when I'm driving towards the garage it seems to work pretty well.
Andres: That's odd...
Kevin: Well I thought about it, and I think it has to do with the Doppler effect.
(2 sec silence)
Andres: Ahahahahah!!
Kevin: What?
Andres: You would have to be going somewhere in the vicinity of the speed of light for a Doppler effect on E-magnetic waves.
-Why Kevin is a dental student

Sam: It was like... you know like the dreams you get after you eat too much pizza?
Hank: Pizza dreams?
Sam: Yes.
Shel: What the fuck...
Jessi: Um, it may just be because I live with them, but that totally made sense to me.
-On the effects of guy roommates and pizza, apparently

Danny: So I've decided to name all my kids after various types of cheese.
Molly: What?! Like what?
Danny: Yeah. I'm gonna name them like... Brie, Jack, Colby, Fontina...
Molly: What will you tell them if they ask about their names?
Danny: I'm not gonna say anything! Here's my plan: I'm just gonna wait until they figure it out themselves. One day they'll be like, "Oh my God... we all have names of various cheeses!" And it'll be AWESOME.
Molly: You don't have a lot going for you, do you?

Jess: God, The Dark Knight is just "OK."
Laura: Yeah, I don't see what the big deal is.
Jess: Heath Ledger TOTALLY doesn't deserve an Oscar.
Tyler: He probably died of SHAME.
Laura: ...Tyler! You always take it one step too far!
-Riding out the sarcasm train

Frank: Dude, there's cake. But it's a lie.
Jon: The cake is a lie or is the cake a spy?
Frank: The cake is a lying spy.
Jon: OH MY GOD! THAT'S THE WORST CAKE EVER!
-While both parties were completely sober

Courtney: It's a learned behavior. She keeps calling you because she knows you'll answer the phone if she calls 5 times in a row.
Jason: Look at you, Ms. Psychologist.... You're right, it's like Pavlov's dogs. Like, I ring a bell and she licks my nuts!
Courtney: It's not exactly...nevermind.
-Taking Psych 101 from the classroom to the world of crazy exes

Ryan: I passed by the junkyard you work at and saw your big yellow girlfriend the delivery van.
Alan: Yeah I park it there so everyone can see her. You know, I am inside of her right now...
Ryan: You really shouldn't say it quite like that. Ever.
-Now get on all fours and honk like a car

Kat: If you find Jesus in your pancake, I have to kill you.
Nick: What?
Kat: I'm not going to have anymore of my friends be converted into fucking Jesus-freaks!
Nick: Kat...don't worry, I'm Jewish. I see Jesus in a pancake, I'll eat it.
-Taking a bite out of religion

Brian's Mom: Next time you do laundry make sure you take all the candy out of your pocket.
Brian: I am pretty sure you just did my laundry so you should take the food out of my pockets.
Brian's Mom: Well I am doing the laundry for you.
-Brian, questioning women's logic

Stephanie: Dr. Barnett, is it possible to tickle yourself?
Ron: Yeah, it is, but you can only do it on certain locations on your body, and it isn't called tickling.
-An interrupted lesson in anatomy

Craig: Dude, that's what she said. Straight from the horse's mouth.
Ron: Dude, she's only 16 years old! At that age, I think she's still just a pony.
-On underage attractions